Sick!

In this ghastly photo of me - never let it be said I'm not honest with you all - you can just see what I should have known was a harbinger of doom. See that large spot above my eyebrow? It's not a fleck on your screen, it's a boil on my forehead. I get few spots ever but when they come, oh boy. They're bad. I could feel this stinker brewing on Friday morning and was wondering why it was there and what it had come to tell me. At about 10pm last night I found out, as I sat shivering on the sofa (we had guests) and could just feel flu descend like a blanket over my head. By this morning I realised I had it. Flu. I performed the bare minimum of my maternal tasks - made pancakes, cleaned up, put on laundry, ironed, lost my temper with 2 fighting children - before retreating to my bed where I have been tucked up ever since. No 10 miler with speedwork. And much more sadly - no Mika concert tonight. But sometimes you just know there is no way. And this is one of those occasions. I am not going anywhere.

So.. training! Well - I am not too worried. I have actually lost track of how many weeks I have been training and I have just used my last silver bullet week over my children's half-term holiday (damn!) but given the length of my training program (20 weeks) I think I can afford to skip a few days and jump back in when I feel better again.

After last Sunday's exertions I took Monday and Tuesday off from running, and did a very slow 5 miler on Wednesday morning round Highbury Fields in London where I was, by now, staying with my bestie, Dawn. Thursday morning I got up nice and early and ran a glorious 10 miler, running down to the Smithfield meat market and then along the Embankment and across Westminster bridge, and back across the Wobbly bridge and through the West End. Friday was another washout - spent all day in the car, taking the kids first to the Roald Dahl museum and then back home through roadworks and rush hour traffic. So yesterday morning I woke up determined to set things straight. The schedule called for a 14M long run this weekend, but as I had missed an 8 miler, I decided to turn my run into an 18 miler. Hardcore no? It went okay - AutoPause was on so I didn't record the time stretching between miles and the various pitstops I made -but all in all I still managed an sub 9 minute mile for the run. I was intending to do an 8 miler with speedwork this morning but well .. that didn't happen. So it goes.

I hope this post finds you all better than I am. Happy running!

It's Valentime!

That's what my 7 year old calls it. Poor child doesn't know about Hammertime yet. It'll be years before he appreciates the 80s.

And Valentime is racetime! Last year I ran the Stamford St. Valentine's 30K for the first time and so I'll refer you there for info on the location. This year there was no snow (good), but plenty of drizzle and rain and a nasty northeaster. Plus the hills just don't get any easier. Although the course is shorter it's good Boston preparation - mostly downhill for the first 4M, then hills and then uphills at the end. My aim for the race was to run a smart race - not go out like a bat out of hell but start slow and speed up as I go. And in that aim I was very successful. Running Oprah (I love to chat while racing long distance) met a couple 9 minute miling for the first 10K. Then at the 10K marker some wag pointed out there were only 20 more kms to go and I got chatting to him. His pace was slightly faster, around 8:55 min/mile, and we ran the next 10k together. He let me surge ahead at 20K and I did. I was feeling strong, even on the hills and was overtaking people slowly as I went along. The last .6 mile I finally went like a bat out of hell and overtook everyone in my way (including a woman who I had seen in the distance for the entire 30K). She and I duked it out the last 20 metres or so, and people? I was victorious! I made it across the finish in 2:44: 51 - nearly 4 minutes faster than last year and 1 second ahead of my nemesis.

Overall a decent race. It is hard and hilly but I enjoyed myself and I enjoyed managing my pace along the way. Running the last mile a marshall said he'd never seen anyone smile at 29K. Now I'm in bed and contemplating the week ahead. I think this will be one of my silver bullet weeks - I'm going to repeat the last week's training during this week which is a holiday week for my kids. 43 miles so nothing too serious. And only 14 this weekend! I'm positively giddy.

Overall I'm feeling okay. The past 2 months have been tough on the personal front - the kids and husband are fine but there has been some difficult and challenging stuff going on my life. It has left me feeling pretty low mentally and truly my running, however difficult it is at times, has been the thing that's made me feel I'm okay and worthwhile. Put it this way - I am looking forward to running Boston - it's a goal that I really need right now.

I hope all your running - and life - is going well. Keep me posted!

A celebratory glass after today's race - onwards and upwards!

Consider yourself

Blessed. Because I have saved you from the most boring blogpost ever. I had written it up and was getting ready to post it when I reread it and recoiled in boredom. There was just no need for it. The world is a better, richer place without it.

So here's a reworked version. Sure, I'll put some of the old content in. But I've hacked and cut and scissored out the really dull stuff. I'll summarise the first 2 paragraphs:

• the meditation bit? Living in the moment? Not started that yet. Still living in past and future. Not too much mindfulness. A lot of mindlessness. Or just general anxiety and frustration.
• I've been running a lot. A great lot.
• some of my runs have been great. Some of my runs have been crappy. Some have just been okay.

Then there was a bit that was really unbelievably tedious. It was about me being tired. I have to say it is true - I am tired. Very tired. A lot of the time.
See? Ignore the daggy haircut (it seems that impulsive hair decisions take a looooooong time to fix themselves - let me be your warning) and the sort of general scaliness and paleness. It's February, peeps. It's not my time of year. But I am tired. Good lord. This is either

• because I run so much. My non-running friends thinks this is the case. But I have run a lot before and I wasn't this tired.
• because I have anaemia again. Or still. I had it last year, took iron pills, was much better. Then I ran out of iron pills and never got round to getting more and hey, here we are. Overall exhaustion. So I have bought more iron pills, have improved my diet (I am full to busting with leafy greens and whole grains you will be happy to hear) and am getting more sleep.

Overall - both my old discarded post and my new acceptable post tell you that everything is kind of ticking along. No major breakthroughs but no disasters either. Oh. Apart from the crosstraining. I have been biking with a friend who is training for a really long bike ride. That has been good - we don't go too fast so I think it is helpful without, god forbid, wearing me out even more. But we did our first longish bikeride together 10 days ago - 25 miles - and while it was good in many ways I realise that my bike and I need a few crucial upgrades. Let Oprah tell you about it:

So, in short, I need a new bike seat and some cycle shorts. Any recommendations? I want a really comfortable seat, to avoid any repeat of the pain of that bike ride.

And in the most positive news yet, I've booked my trip to Boston. I am going alone - the marathon falls on the day my kids go back to school after 3 weeks of Easter holidays and the school get really narky about missed days at the beginning of term. Husband is being left in charge of all the boring actually-getting-them-back-to-school-with-all-the-stuff-they-need job. I am flying out on Friday April 16th (arriving in the afternoon) and leaving on April 20th (evening). If this sounds like me inviting any of you to breakfast, lunch, dinner, post-run partying - well yes I am! Email me, FaceBook me, comment me. Don't twitter me because I never check. Sorry!

Hope all your running (and rest of life) is going well - I'm gearing up for my first big race, the Stamford St. Valentine's 30K on Sunday. Last year Isaac Stout was born on race day - thoughts of Susan in labor kept self-pity at bay during this nasty race. I will try to channel that spirit again on Sunday - report will follow. Till soon my chums.

Yadda yadda yadda

So I could sit down this Monday evening and give you all a blow-by-blow of everything that's happened in the past few weeks. However - the thought of doing that bores me rigid and I think that means it an even more tortuous prospect for you all. So I'll sum things up for you in a few bullet points. I could do a powerpoint presentation - but again, I'm saving you all.

• Our skiing holiday was FABULOUS. Fabulous. Fabulous. The hotel is incredibly amazing. The staff warm your boots up for you in the morning, there is a ski valet, they take your boots off when you come back in the afternoon, there are hot tubs and morning yoga classes and oh everything is amazing. Nothing is cheap - though occasionally things are free, like yoga - but oh boy is it nice.
  
• Skiing is FABULOUS. This was my fifth ever skiing holiday (yes, I know, I grew up deprived. No, silly. I grew up in the tropics). And my running is making me a good strong skier. I love it. I absolutely love it. I took lessons for 2 days and just cranked it up a notch - I could have stayed all season. In fact, I am brewing a plan to move to Jackson Hole for a season when my kids leave home - rent a little condo and just ski all winter. I am entirely serious about this plan, actually. Anyone care to join me in dreaming about becoming a skibum?
  
• My husband is fabulous. He just is. Taking some time away from everyone else made me just re-appreciate (is that a word?) how fabulous he is. He is just a great, wonderful, kind, funny, intelligent, loving, lovely, handsome and fabulous man.The fabulous man skiing Grand Targhee (we took a day trip to Wydaho..)
• I did what you're meant to do on a holiday but what I so rarely achieve. I relaxed and I sat back and I evaluated my life and worked out what was and wasn't working for me. Marriage and motherhood, you will be relieved to hear, are still working. But I've decided to make a change in one aspect of my life (hey it's still January and anyway I resolve year-round) I am a worrier. Not a warrior, a worrier. I fret. I agonise. I lie awake at night and go over things, over and over and over and over again and nothing good ever comes from these sessions. The small amount of insight I've gained over many years over worrying is that nothing is as bad as it seems at 4am. But that doesn't stop me at 4am. I want to do something about that. I've spent a good 25 years fretting. I'm bored with myself. So what am I going to do? Well, one evening while I was putting my feet up in the relaxation suite (told you it was fabulous) I was reading a magazine which recommended meditation as a way to let go of persistent thought patterns which you know are doing no good. And I have thought about meditating in the past - I even bought a CD course (Guided Mindfulness Meditation by Jon Kabat Zinn) last year but never got round to doing it. And so I decided that I was going to devote some time to this. I'll keep you posted.
  
• Another decision I made was that, for the time being, I am not doing triathlons. Wait, wait, wait! Before you jump in listen to why. Fundamentally, I am just loving running too much to want to divert my attentions elsewhere. I am enjoying my bike - I have found a buddy to go on Monday (cross training) bike rides with and I am really keen to make more of that - but I don't want to race my bike, or self, yet. And the same with swimming. I really like the swimming club, I want to go regularly but I don't want to race yet. After years of plodding I am getting somewhere with my running and I have a few more things to do there before I need a break from it..
  

So that's all good right? I'm feeling good. Old-time readers of this blog will remember that last time I came back from skiing and went running I injured my knee and was out of London and out of running for months. This time I kept up my running while on holiday, though I had given myself time off my schedule. And as soon as I came home I got straight back into it. The earlier runs were hard last week - jetlag was pretty brutal - but I managed a 50M week. 12 weeks before Boston people - that feels good. My 18 miler was particularly interesting - at mile 13 I lost the will to go on but I inadvertently started up a podrunner mix and it made a HUGE difference. Last 5 miles were the fastest miles in the run! I love me my podcasts on my long runs but it was really good to know to leave those mixes on the iPod - clearly they can move me when nothing else can.

Righty-oh everyone - it's off to bed I go. I am exhausted and heading into a 55 mile week this week - my first 20 miler of the schedule is somewhere in there. And finally - this one is for Jeanne who says nothing happened if there is no photo - this is me out on my bike ride this morning:
Forgive the fugly face there - it's Monday morning.

Finally finally finally - I am WAY behind on blog comments and emails. It's all going to happen, I promise. See you shortly!

And to start 2010 we will be serving you, Madame, a large serving of .. humble pie!

Hrmmm. Well. It had to happen. I've been in Boston training now for 5 weeks and, overall, things have gone very well. I've not been ill, I've not felt low, I've managed to get most of my training in. This despite all the upheaval in my schedule that Christmas time brings (there might be a type A in me somewhere after all?) and the fact that it has been unseasonably (but appropriately, I guess) cold and snowy and icy. Last year's YakTrax and a degree of caution have dealt with most crises.

However. After a good week of training - I got all my workouts in, completed 1800 miles for 2009 (first year I've ever tracked my workouts to this extent), did my first duathlon (of which more later), I went out for 16 yesterday with 12M at racepace. As there was fresh snow on the ground I was a bit conservative on my pace - I find that I brace myself a bit when I'm on snow / ice so I can't hit the faster paces - but nonetheless I warmed up for 2M and then did 5.5 faster miles. And then I ran into a friend who I hadn't seen for years. I stopped to chat. And 20 minutes later, when I set off again, I was frozen. I had dressed myself to run in the cold - tights, long sleeved shirt and a wind-proof jacket. However, standing still for 20 minutes in the -2C temps had frozen my sweat onto my body (nice!) and I could not get warm. My hands were freezing and my body would not warm up. I ran another mile or so and then did what I have never done. I phoned my husband and asked him to come and pick me up. And I slowly jogged back down the road to meet him.

Yes I know. I had to stop because I was cold. I can't quite believe I was that dumb though! I should have just waved and carried on! Anyway. There you go. Lesson from the dumb - don't stop and chat when you're all sweaty and it's below freezing.

So - rewind to December 31st - my first duathlon. As you all know I bought a bike about a month ago. However, due to snow and ice and training for Boston, I have only ridden my bike three times since buying it so to say I was ill-prepared was understating it. However, I decided to up my chances of doing well in the ranking by bullying my best friend Dawn, who hasn't run much since last October and hadn't biked in about 18 years, to do it with me. On Adam's mountain bike. I basically lured her with the carrot of 3 child-free hours in the car and the stick of a recent family Christmas crisis that had left me battered and in need of friendship and TLC. Dawn's attitude to the whole day was comedy. We set off at 8am on our 1.5 ride to hilly Derbyshire, Dawn wearing an old pair of tracksuit bottoms (henceforth known as her comedy pants) and arrived at this sweet little village social club (a very English institution, almost completely died out, but in this little village STILL the centre of activity). The organiser, David Denton, organises masses of local races to raise money for a charity he runs in Kerala, India and the local population in Derbyshire is clearly very supportive. However, the local population in Derbyshire also happens to be incredibly fit. We turned up with our comedy pants and mountain bike to find everyone else had snagged the bike rack AND looked incredibly serious. We were the only two people without padded pants (and this may well be the only situation where you can say that is a bad thing). Top to toe lycra. All in one suits. Serious, very expensive bikes. Seriously skinny and muscly looking people. Which kind of deflated the tension - it all became about comedy pants for Dawn and I. The race started with a 2.5 mile out and back run - most of the runners were faster than I. (Dang! I had hoped I had some advantage!). Dawn and I high-fived at the turnaround. 2.5 miles in 20:13. Then I hopped onto my bike for a 9 mile bike ride. Oookay. As soon as I got onto my bike I realised I didn't know how to work the gears. And a big hill was coming straight up! I powered up it and braked down the other side. This became the pattern, until I hit the 800m climb. Yes half a mile! With traffic zooming past us I was pedaling heavily but still overtaking people. As I overtook one rider he shouted out "Use your gears!". Almost tearfully I shouted back "I don't know how to!". He started shouting at me which wheel the gears should be on and I could see the wheels on my gears but had no idea what to do. About 100m from the top I accidentally squeezed my brakes and my gear pedal at the same time and bingo - that's how you switch gears. Ok. After that nasty hill I took it easy for the rest of the 9 miles cruising back into Milford (total bike time 42.46) and wedged my bike past all the folk who had already finished (sheesh!) and put my running shoes on for the final 2.5 mile run. At which point I realised I was starving. Famished! I had thought to bring a bottle of water but no food. I limped through the next 2.5 miles dreaming about jelly babies, and finished the last leg in 21:57. And just before coming in, I saw Dawn come running towards me, starting her last leg. I had been worrying about poor Dawn, out there riding a horrible hill in comedy pants on a mountain bike. Totally relieved, I grabbed a piece of toast to deal with my ravenous hunger and then I jogged out on the course to go and bring her in. We finished her race, bringing her in as number 42 of 44. I was 37 of 44 - but neither of us minded. I was thrilled to have done my first duathlon, and Dawn was thrilled to be alive. And to prove that she truly is my great friend, she like me had spotted the farm shop on our bike ride and so, as soon as we had loaded up the bikes, we drove to the farm shop where we pigged out on bacon sandwiches and bags of sweets which we ate till we felt sick on our home.

And so and so. A somewhat messy start to the New Year but nonetheless - it has started. I have an easier training week this week. And on Thursday, Adam and I head to Jackson Hole for 8 days of skiing. I cannot wait - I love to ski. But bearing in mind the running injury I sustained last time I skied - tight quads led to knee pain - I have decided to run on a treadmill while I'm out there AND treat myself to a massage. And I've booked an appointment with my osteopath as soon as I'm back. Training-wise, I built 2 extra weeks into my schedule so I could run off schedule while I was out there and take some days off when I return to deal with jet-lag.

Happy new year to all of you!

happy new me!

Or well, that's what I like to think. There is something trite and repetitive about new year's resolutions: lose weight, exercise more, more quality time, yadda yadda yadda. So .. well, doomed to failure. No?

However. However. I am not a natural cynic. I know that, as we get older, we should be getting more cynical and I have, truly, gained some cynicism, mostly I am still pretty gullible and skip into life like a lamb with amnesia. As a result it takes me forever to learn life lessons. Forever. Truly! I was overweight for about 12 years before I figured out I had to exercise AND eat less. Every time I would go on some whacko diet, lose a few pounds, and then give up. How long, for example, can a person live without carbohydrates? To prove my point - when moving house this past summer I realised I actually have three - yes 3! - exactly identical copies of the Atkins Diet Revolution. Good lord! It clearly didn't work when I tried out the first copy, then like a goldfish I must have walked into a bookshop filled with self-loathing and excess weight, thought "hey! That Atkins diet looks like a great idea!", bought a second copy, failed again, and then walked in a third time and thought "hey! That Atkins diet looks like a great idea!".

So. That actually proves two things. One that I'm not cynical, and two that personal growth for me is slooooooooooow.

However. I did, finally, at some point when I was very very low, very very heavy and very very filled with self-loathing, decide "no more excuses". With insight that had eluded me for years I realised that I had made myself fat and unhappy and that I had to stop making myself fat and unhappy. Once again I went on a diet. WeightWatchers online this time. And I started to exercise. Most importantly, I chose to ignore the voice of failure in my head that told me I was incapable of losing weight and exercising with any success and I made myself go round a .9 mile circuit on our farm. Walking or running, struggling to get round. But, as so many of you realise, after a while you do get round without stopping. And after a while, the combination of a healthy diet and exercise do create weight loss. And more than all of this - after a while it finally penetrated through my very thick and learning-resistant skull that I can lose weight and exercise.

And so, before like a good protestant I contemplate all the areas in which I can self-improve, I am patting myself on the back. For, at some point, turning the supertanker of destiny around and getting onto this road. Initially I did it to lose weight and get fit. But it has brought me so much more than that. Self-confidence and inner strength (no small things, really). Not to mention some amazing friendships. But the biggest thing it has taught me is that I can change who I think I am. Someone as fat and incompetent as I believed myself to be 6 and a half years ago has now qualified for Boston. It is, of course, not at all about Boston qualifying itself, but about the fact that I would not have ever believed that I was ever going to be capable of something so seriously athletic as that. 6 and a half years ago I would have ruled myself out of that for life because that sort of goal was not for people like me. I have, bit by bit, learned that I maybe am not just the person I thought I was at 31. I am capable of much more than I thought then. And when I find myself assailed by the challenges of life I think of this. Change is possible, however hard it may seem. And however slowly it comes.

So now I try to take the attitude that I have to keep on trying. Maybe not bang my head into the same wall three times (see above) but still.

So my goals for 2010?
- I have athletic goals. Continuing to strive to achieve is good for me. I am scared of being accountable to others and myself and to put myself out there, athletically. I still have a struggle thinking of myself as someone who should even be out there at a sporting event. So for me racing is being very accountable. I can't lie. So I am going to carry on racing.
- I have strategic goals. I want to run Boston well. I may have BQed in Berlin but I ran it badly. I ran too fast, messed up my nutrition and lost my strategy. For Boston, my goal is not a time-based one but to see whether I can begin to work out a race strategy that will work. Ideas welcome.
- I have personal goals. These are the tricky ones. I could be specific but really - the overall goal I have is to try to spot the ruts in my life when I can and to shake myself out of them. When I am stuck, I have to do whatever I can (the opposite of me, anyone?) to move out of the rut. Not until I am out will I be able to see what I need to do to move on.

Finally - a quick update on running life. I have managed to maintain most of my running schedule over Christmas, despite wine drinking and snow.

Thank you Yaktrax!

My snow angels ;)

I hope that 2010 brings you all you hope for and that you too will be able to make changes where you want to.

Basset hounds and other pre-Christmas issues

Well, I was all set to write a post about a midlife crisis I am experiencing. However, I got started on writing it all and detailing it and then life took off, in that way it does in the weeks before Christmas, and before I knew it was December 21st (today) and I'd forgotten about my crisis. People who know me (ie my husband) tend to just let my crises be (I have them on a regular basis - I had a really bad one 2 years ago when I felt that I was the person described on Stuff White People Like - and I'm utterly serious) and judging by the fact that they are intense, and then pass (a bit like PMT come to think of it - perhaps I should be examining the timing?) I suppose I should learn to take them less seriously. Not in my nature, but still.

Anyway. My crisis was about ageing. It already seems ridiculous now that I'm writing about it but there is a still a kernel of deep feeling in there. Basically, I suddenly realised that at 38, if I don't get enough sleep and get the right kind of nutrition (...) my face ends up looking like a snowy field that lots of people have done 3 point turns on. I took a few casual photos of myself on my phone, thinking they would be fun to post on Facebook or on here and GOOD LORD! NO! I look like a basset hound (I could easily get back into this crisis, can you tell?). Anyway. As I said, the crisis went away when I had other urgent business (children fighting, ironing, getting Christmas presents organised) to deal with. The power of distraction - it's magic for toddlers and middle-aged women on the edge of a breakdown.

So back to running. Running. Yes. As I mentioned in my last post, I have started the 18 week Pfitzinger program. This is a first for me - I've only ever done the 12 week program - but I was in need of a new start and a bit of a change and I'm hoping this is it. I know it's more than 15 weeks to Boston from today (especially for Emily who I completely panicked with my inability to get a calendar straight) but I'm going skiing for 8 days in January (Jackson Hole, so with the jetlag I'll need a few more days to get over that trip) so I have added 2 extra weeks onto training. So, given that, I've completed week 3 today. 40M for the first time in this cycle (though that's not hard work for Petey Pfitzinger, he considers that a basis...). On the whole, I'm quite happy with how it's all gone, so far. I've managed every run, even today's 14 miler in the snow. My legs feel like I've done 20 - it was hard work on unplowed roads - but I got the miles in and made it round. As far as my cross training in preparation for next summer's triathlons goes - not quite there yet. But ... I did try our local swimming club. They are super hardcore (they send swimmers from Lincoln to the Olympics which is truly incredible) but were really really friendly. Yay for swimmers over runners, people. It may have helped that I had to have an entire humble pie to myself - I was by far the slowest and crappest person in the slow lane. While my 3 other swimming lane buddies were butterfly crawling their way across the pool (!!!!) I was doing breaststroke. Yeah well. I did feel that I learned a lot in one lesson and will certainly be going back once a week. Biking has been very quiet - it has been snowy and icy here and I'm terrified of falling over, attached to my pedals.. I can see that I might have to join the gym where I swim so I can get some spinning classes in. In the meantime, however, I am still signed up for the duathlon on New Year's eve (2.5 mile run, 9.5 bike, 2.5 mile run) and then on New Year's day we have organised an 8 mile bikeride (or 5M run depending on the conditions) followed by our now traditional New Year's day dip in the icy lake, followed by bacon and sausage sandwiches and HOT coffee...

Finally - oh I have been a terrible blog reader and commenter. While I was having a minor breakdown / buying Christmas presents / contemplating bankruptcy / researching rejuvenating serums on the internet you all have been out there achieving.. A brief and inconclusive rollcall reveals that:
- Susan ran a marathon 10 months (10 months!) after having a baby, after losing all of her babyweight and training her socks off. (10 months after I had babies .. well let's not go there. I was NOT running marathons). Susan is officially amazing..
- Jeanne ran a half marathon in freezing cold after nights of insomnia, just for the reward of brunch. Jeanne that would motivate me - one day we'll be having brunch together after a brutal half!
- Aron, Amy, Tara, Maritza and Tina (and many more) ran the CIM marathon. Aron BQed (fabulous girl - she really drained the juice in the can for this one), Tara became a marathon maniac (no comment) and signed up for a half ironman (actually you are nuts dear Tara!) and Maritza also ran something like her 20th marathon in 10 days and is now, I believe, taking a break for a few days? Are you?
- the only person who has been really lazing around, as far as I can tell, is IronJen and that is because she has just become an Ironman. Jeez Jen you set the bar SO high! What's a girl got to to do to take some time off and drink wine round here?

Seriously - you are all very very incredibly impressive. And I will catch up. At some point.

So now I'm going to post this and start making my mammoth shopping list for Christmas food. Have my parents coming across from arctic Holland tomorrow for 6 days. People coming over for Christmas eve, and then we have the Duguid / Moll 4 days of celebration - Christmas day, Boxing day, Felix's (and Maritza's!) birthday, and my mother's birthday. The duathlon will be a welcome break. I intend to stick to my running schedule over this time - keep me accountable. Wishing all of you a wonderful Christmas and a fabulous new year. May 2010 bring you all you wish for. Lots of love, Petra

And another thing

Because see, the thing is, just because I didn't blog for 4 weeks didn't mean I disengaged my brain. This is not to say I came to any earth-shattering conclusions or insights, but rather that I plodded and groped my way through my self-created slump, trying to think of ways in which to change my 'tude. I've already told you that your emails and messages and feedback were the driving force that gave me my mojo back. However, here follow a few other things I tried:
- join a running club. Well - I did join a running club ages ago - in 2006 - where I met SuperSal - but I found it hard to make the weekly meetings in the evenings. Also - to be honest - I like training alone and fitting my training in where I can. Anyway, Jonathan, my osteopath, recommended I try another local club because they do all sorts of hateful things like time trials and hill workouts and track workouts that are good for me. So I went along on a Tuesday evening 3 weeks ago. The first thing I have to say, honesty compels me, is that the coaches (yes there were true honest-to-god qualified coaches) were friendly and seemed good. The second thing I have to say is man! The English can be terrible in social situations. As Sophia used to say in the Golden Girls "picture the scene". Group of runners standing around in running gear in front hall of leisure centre (yeah) waiting for workout to start. Congregating round coaches. The clothing makes it clear who is with the running club or just there to eat the fast food in the cafetaria (yeah). New person turns up. Clearly new because no-one has seen her there before. It is clear that the other members know each other (they are speaking in groups, shooting the breeze, you know being social). So this person - not standing in a group, greeted loudly by the coach "Hi Petra, nice you could join us today!" is new. What do you do? Do you a) go up to her and say "hi, I'm x" and start a conversation or do you b) stand around staring at her but not speaking to her. If you chose b) you chose the group's correct reaction. Jeez! Anyway I haven't developed my extraordinary social skills for nothing so I worked this crowd. As we jogged to the track I struck up conversations, showed interest, expressed admiration at race times and achievements. The track workout was a dud as half the track was closed, and so this created some bitching I could in with (nothing like bitching together to draw people together). We slowly jogged back, and back to our cars. End of workout. For honesty's sake I will make the following points: 1) some people were very nice 2) I do not expect the red carpet to be rolled out for me. The question that has you all hanging on the edge of your seat is - will I go back? And the answer is ... no. And not because no-one's being nice to me. Because I'm sure, over time, the folks would defrost and I would find some kindred spirits and yadda yadda yadda all would be okay. But actually - I have done my speed workouts alone this year and like that. My Garmin keeps me honest. I'm not really that keen to ingratiate myself with a new bunch of people when what they offer is not something I desperately want or need. Call me Greta. (ref. Garbo not Waitz).
- changed my playlist. I tend to listen to podcasts when I'm out running so one of the lightning bolts of inspiration that struck me was that to change my mood I needed to change what I was listening to. So far so genius. As you may recall from aaaaagges ago Mika's Life in Cartoon motion got me through 2008 Chicago training. Mika has a (relatively) new album out (The Boy Who Knew Too Much) and as I can never get me enough sexually ambiguous madness I popped it onto my iPod. Amazing album. The guy is as mad as a snake but fantastically funny with it. And sexy. Couldn't really see that while I was running but I could think it and that helped. Did it help get my mojo back? Well - in so far as it stopped me from thinking and got me belting out songs, yes. I wouldn't say it proved the tripswitch but it helped.
- set myself goals. One of the many kind emails I received in the past month was from Gary, who I ran with at the White Peak half this year. He's quite an incredible ultrarunner and has set himself the goal of running 50M next summer for his 50th birthday. I had emailed him that I might join him on some of it and he responded by saying that my joining him really helped him get motivated. So that I needed to set myself some more goals to get me motivated. He said some more very kind things I won't embarass him by repeating but trust me - the man is a mensch. So here are some of my options:

• run 50M (or part of it) with Gary. I could use Boston training as my leap up in mileage, and then just carry on running long runs. Part of me is quite intrigued by whether I could do an ultra. But maybe 50M is a very long way to go - and will detract from my other training goals (see below). Maybe do 20M - 30M with him? Tips / advice?
  
• Triathlons. I am very close to finding a swimming club, I have been in touch with some tri gurus and I am fairly confident that, if I cross training with swimming and biking during my Boston training I can get into some sort of triathlon shape by the summer. There are a number of sprint triathlons close to me (Woodhall Spa triathlon, May 9th, Lincoln Triathlon July 4th) and then I'm quite tempted by an Olympic (or oly as I think I'm meant to call it) in London over the summer - the London triathlon. I'm not signing up to anything until I've sorted out my swimming club, but once I've done that I think I'm signing up to these three.
• Bike ride from Arnhem (Netherlands) to Berlin (Germany). I have some local friends who bike a lot and who are tentatively planning to ride from Arnhem in Holland (coincidentally where my parents live) to Berlin. I think it's about a 350 mile bike ride, mostly on quiet roads and cycle lanes, and we'll take about 6 days to do it. I think this would be great fun to do with friends, Adam will join me, and it's one way of seeing just how well I bike (and how good my soon-to-be purchased bike seat is going to be).
  
• That leaves the autumn open. Which is probably a good thing. If I pull off all the above I might be ready for a break. Alternatively there are so many decent local running races I can enter later in the year that I don't need to decide now.
  

- cut my hair. I am such a moron! Most people I know are really careful at the hairdresser's - an inch off here and there, stick with the same. I get kamikaze when I'm in that chair. "Go for it" I tell the hairdresser. As if a new haircut will change my life. Well it might, but probably not for the better. And in all this please bear in mind the fundamental material I'm dealing with. I have thin, fine hair. Not a lot of it. It is one of the various banes of my life. I do not, and have never had, good hair. The past few years I have employed The Opposite of Me at the hairdresser's and have been conservative, like the rest of you, and this has resulted in semi-decent hair. Good colour and a sort of shorter noughties Rachel haircut. However, in my clearly mentally diminished state I turn up at the hairdresser's and say "Go for it". What was I thinking? I came out looking like a newsreader! I have a bob! I look square! What was I doing? A week on things are a bit better. For the sake of veracity - picture below.
It's a week later now and though it's not like my hair grew a lot in that time (I wish!) I have managed to make it my own. Does it look like I am disguising my hair with a cat? Well I am. I should have put her in front of my crow's feet as well...

Okay. So what can you learn from me? In a nutshell:
- Not everyone has great social skills.
- change your tune. You might enjoy it even if it doesn't work.
- set some goals. It does work..
- don't cut your hair when you're trying to prompt a change.

Finally. I've been reliably informed that I need to post a picture of my new "ride". Be gentle with her - she's second-hand and was a bargain..
Ok. So as I'm in week 1 of Boston training - yes - I'm off for 8M with 4M at hm pace. That should be fun.. Speak soon my friends.

The future is bright (and cold and wet).

Finally! You thought I'd just crawled under a rock and given up right? As well I might have done given all the moaning and whingeing I have done in the past month. But the funk is officially been, done and gone. How did I achieve this? 



First of all, by going back to the opposite of me. Remember that? Well this time I took it and interpreted it slightly differently (it's my church, so I get to make the rules) to just mean "doing things differently".
• After being on a running schedule for most of the year, I had no schedule. After getting each and every run in for the past 7 months, I let myself off the hook sometimes. I took a break and it was good.
• After more than 5 years of doing only running, I bought a bike. I have held off on buying a bike for a long time because, being Dutch, and having used a bike as a primary means of transport for years in my teens and twenties, I was under no illusions as to the problems with bikes. I.e - technical problems. Flat tires. Chains coming off. Strange noises. Adjusting and readjusting. Endless stuff. And this was all on the simple and cruddy bikes I used to ride. Heavy "sit up and begs" that had no gears and had backpedal brakes. However, I was owed a birthday present and eBay suggested a beautiful bargain. It was delivered to me with clipless pedals and while this would, normally, have been an excuse for me to park the bike in the garage for 6 months while I procrastinated about working it out, I headed to the bikeshop instead and bought some shoes, some cleats and a helmet and set about working out my bike. Yes I fell. Four times hard, so far. I have forced myself to work out how to adjust the tension, I have adjusted the seat, and have also - major victory, worked out the gears. Somewhat. That's still a work in progress.
• I have entered a duathlon (31st December, 2.5 mile run, 9 mile bike and 2.5 mile run) and am currently trying to find somewhere agreeable to go swimming. If I can find a place to train and learn, the next summer will be summer of triathlons. I really am working on this one peeps!
• I did some of the things I haven't done when I was training so hard. I spent some time with friends, I filled in my tax return (so late it's not even funny) and I generally lazed about a bit.

However. However. However. The most interesting realisation to me has been that while I needed a break from my schedule and running I am happier and more effective with a schedule in my life. Somehow it sets my course for each week - this is the training I need to get in and I need to work my week around it. I get a lot more other stuff done when I'm training. I waste less time. I feel better - physically and mentally - with a goal. All hardly an aha erlebnis for most of you, but I'm not really a Type A like so many runners. (You should see the state of my house!). I'm amazed that I'm able to stick to a schedule and find it so useful to organise my life, and set out my priorities.

The other thing that has got me back is, once again, the kindness of you lot. The emails, the messages, the FaceBook comments. I couldn’t drop out if I wanted to could I? So thank you – you know who you are..



So I'm back in the game now people. The past few weeks have seen my first brick workout (8M bike followed by a 5M run -hardly an IronMan but still) and I’m determined to keep up my biking as my cross training in the run-up to Boston. I’m going to try the 18 week Pfitzinger schedule this time – it’s long but I want to try and see how the more gradual build-up will go. I’m fitting in 2 extra weeks as I’m going skiing in January – yes this time I will have sports massages while I’m out there and I’m already booked in with my osteopath immediately upon my return. Tight quads will NOT derail Boston.

Finally – can you keep a secret? You know I’m better when I get naughty. And I have been. I have had (and still have…) a very bad cold at the moment. On Saturday night I was in bed by 7pm feeling like death. However, I had entered a half-marathon on Sunday weeks ago to motivate me to get some mileage in. I woke up at 6am on Sunday feeling okay and so, without telling anyone, texted the babysitter and headed to the race. Well of course it was a stupid idea. The rain was sheeting down. It was SO cold. So wet. So hilly. Despite that I got race giddy and ran my first mile in under 8 minutes – so the end of the race was very grim indeed. I wasn’t properly trained, nor physically well enough to run a half-marathon yesterday. But I did it. And I crossed the finish line in 1:52! No PB, but not bad at all. A good yardstick to start Boston training with.

I'm going to publish this now so I can go off and catch up on your blogs. Apologies for the radio silence - I'm back in the game!

The party's over

The pity party that is. As always you, my faithful commenters cuddled me, cajoled me, and some of you gave me a kick up the *ss and okay okay - I get the message. I've put away the black streamers, dried my tears and I'm back again.

That's not to say the running has been great these past 2 weeks. I think I definitely suffered from something related to what my kids had last week - they've had (swine?) flu and tonsilitis but have now recovered - and even by the middle of this week my 8 miler was compiled of grit, determination, clif-shots and slow miles. None of it is a pretty picture to be sure but I've just read Meg Runs' blog and I have cut and pasted the following:

No matter what your goal is...weight loss, a 5k, a 3 day walk, a hike, an ultra, a marathon...you need to look at the plan. What ever your pace; to finish, to go fast, to go slow, to walk. Don't let it own you, own the plan. Talk to it, "Bring it on!"

Do it with confidence. age doesn't matter
Do it with concentration. single out that one specific moment in time and focus on it
Do it with control. but don't force it
Do it with commitment. bring it on

And she's right. Completely right. The other mantra that has embedded itself into my mind is the AA mantra of "fake it till you make it". I am faking it and slowly beginning to make it. I struggled through 7 awful miles in wind and rain last Sunday (failed to run the 12 I had told myself to run, but ran 7 when 0 was by far the more attractive option), I ran 5 on Tuesday that were neither here nor there but on the books all the same, and today I decided to kick myself a bit harder and make myself run 5M out of a 10 miler at a faster pace. (Chicken and egg you see - my lack of mojo has had me slugging out the miles at 10 / 11 min/mile pace - great recovery pace if that's what you're going for but for me, at this point, just a sign of how deeply I had sunk into sluggishness. ) And reader, I did it. I warmed up for 2 miles at 8:17 min/mile (good to find that pace again), then ran 5 miles at an 8:01 min/mile, before slowing down for the last 3 at a 9:03 min/mile pace. Much better - and I'm much happier.

I'm in the doldrums for a number of reasons, really - I'm worrying about my kids, worrying about the lack of direction in my life, worrying about when I'll ever get settled into my new house, worrying about all sorts of relationships in my life that aren't working terribly well at the moment - but what I'm hanging onto here is that running is good for me when all this stuff is going on. It may not be fast, and it may not be quality, but getting out there is always better than not getting out there. And before you worry about me - none of the things I am worrying about above are as troublesome, or difficult, as I sometimes think they are or as I might be making them appear. The problem, really, at the moment is my attitude and my worrying, not the people or situations I am worrying about. And as I'm unable to think these worries away, I might as well go out for a run. After which things never seem quite as difficult anymore. So Meg, you're right. Bring it on!

Feelin' funky...

Unfortunately not in a good, groovy 1979 kind of way. No I'm in a funk. Which, I guess, was bound to happen. Running-wise I've just completed 2 hard cycles of training, more or less back to back. I've run 2 marathons this year where I totally, absolutely put everything I had into the race and hit the wall physically (London) and mentally (Berlin). My motivation to train hard and well for London was fed by pulling out of the race the year before and then by increasing success in shorter races leading up to this year's race. It was one of those times where you just know you're moving away from a plateau and onto the next level and I loved it. Coming so close to a Boston qualifier was unexpected but incredibly encouraging. So for Berlin I had my goal clearly in mind. To Boston qualify. And we all know how that went.. But, as many of you pointed out - I did it. Something that I had never deemed possible became possible and in the crappiest race I've ever run I managed to run the fastest I've ever run and to achieve something that even 9 months prior to that had seemed impossible. All good stuff.

And now I've just received my Boston entry confirmation. Which is great news after all that angsting - I know you all told me not to but still I did, of course - over the 13 seconds to spare and the "unofficial" results.

So all is good. 2 marathons in one year done. PBs achieved - for 10K, for half mary (twice), for 30K (first time doing it), for 20M (first time racing it) and for full mary (twice). Job stress dealt with by resignation (hrrrmm - not ideal but had tried every other avenue) and house move partially accomplished (the next stage is not in my hands).

Not to mention a fantastic trip to California with my parents which was wonderful - they are such great company, Sequoia and Yosemite are stunning, we had such a lovely time - and then to top it all off I went to stay with the wonderful Marathon Maritza for 2 nights, met up with Tara and Aron, ran a 14 miler with Maritza and generally had a wonderful time.

happy hour at Lodgepole camp in Sequoia

my lovely parents in Kings Canyon

A bear near the General Sherman tree

My mother and I

those mornings were cold...


The view from Nevada falls

The rohos after brunch in Walnut Creek

me taking crappy pictures of Maritza and I - was it the beer?

So why am I am I feeling so bleeugrgh? Reading the above through the answer is obvious - because all the goals set earlier this year have been met, the various events I had been looking forward to have happened and I now have to start afresh... I've come back from a marvellous holiday and now have to deal with various domestic duties of varying tedium, have to pay my taxes and deal with all sorts of financial responsibilities, have only just recovered from my jet lag which had me sleepy in the day and awake at night, and have a sick child who I think has passed on her bugs to me. Uggh.

Running has been pretty haphazard since Berlin - though I initially launched into Pfitz recovery schedule with gusto it all got a bit messed up on my trip (running up the trails in Seqoia and Yosemite was very hard although I did manage to get 14M in with Maritza which was fabulous.) Overall I took the attitude that it was a good idea to not have much of a schedule for a while, before launching into it again for Boston. 5 weeks on from Berlin though I think it's time to pull myself together - if only because the rest of my life seems to flow better when I'm running. At the advice of my osteopath I'm running a 10K in early December so that I will spend November doing 2 or 3 speed sessions a week, with a hilly long run at the weekend to keep up the distance. That schedule is due to start on Monday - pray with me that this achiness and loginess I'm feeling are just the end of jetlag and not the beginning of flu.

That's it folks - nothing very inspiring, nothing very exciting. It's how I'm feeling right now though and sometimes I just need to get started again - even if it is a very unexciting blogpost - to get myself back into it. I hope your running is going well - I have hundreds of blogposts in my reader to catch up on! - and I'll be back. I think.

Moving on

So. After posting the race report I spent the next day obsessively checking and rechecking the results pages to see if the "inofficial" had changed to "official". I phoned the Berlin marathon people to ask when the results would become official (1 to 2 weeks the lady thought but she seemed utterly mystified by the urgency in my voice), I submitted my application to the BAA for a place in the Boston marathon (they need to verify the results themselves anyway and wait for them to become official yes I am going in circles here). I achieved very little else. I felt a bit sick, a bit nervous. I didn't sleep very well.

In truth, I just didn't know what to make of this race. It felt like I had run an awful race, yet I had achieved what I had set out to do - qualify for Boston. For the vast majority of the race, the first 17 miles, I felt increasingly awful. Physically, but also mentally. Normally I am a really happy racer. I wave at the crowds and in my head I am all focus. I feel that this is the day I've been training for and my mind is completely in control. It is a wonderful feeling and it puts me on a real high. In this race I just didn't feel it at all. This may be because I wasn't feeling well or was, somehow, dehydrated. But besides my physical condition, my mind became a very negative place in the course of those 17 miles. All the doubts that can plague me at 3am (along the lines of "I am really a failure, I am terrible, who am I to think that I can do this") were playing through my head. The urge to stop was enormous and while I was fighting it it was as if this awful voice in my head was telling me: "you stop. you've always been a quitter and you thought you'd got past that but you haven't. You know you want to stop. What's the point in carrying on?" Awful stuff - I know - but truly this was going through my mind and I have never felt this while I was running.

Ironically, though, what stopped this negativity was stopping. Once I'd stopped it was as if I had done that awful thing I had always been so afraid of doing. The voice switched off and it was as if the slate had been wiped clean. As I started running again with my blanket around me I knew that I might well miss my BQ. But I didn't really care. I was going to finish this race and prove that I could do that. I definitely was tired and I was definitely was not 100 %. I had negative thoughts (I vividly remember thinking, somewhere during mile 23, "I will never run again") but I could acknowledge that thought and carry on. In the last 3 miles I walked about 3 times every mile. I could see my time slipping but I really did not care. At that point I felt it was incredible I was still in the race at all. I had completely given up on the BQ - and I was, in my peculiar state, ok with that - when I suddenly realised at the 41K mark that I could still make it. By now things had been reversed in my head. I was now in a place where I couldn't imagine making my qualifying time and all of a sudden the possibility presented itself. Looking at my Garmin, my last miles were well over 9 minute miles, and then the last mile I whipped out an 8 minute miler again.

After all the turmoil I was happy when I crossed the finish line and immediately slammed on my watches (yes) to see my time (3:45:45.65). I knew how finely I had cut it, but I was happy to think I might have just made it, and even posed for a finisher's shot which I never usually bother with. Well you know all the rest - and I apologise for rehashing as much as I have.

The truth of the matter is, of course, that I wanted to BQ in full Chariots of Fire glory. In all honesty I wanted to set down a glittering, definitive BQ - not one with 13 seconds to spare. I wanted to feel the way I did in London, without falling apart at the end. This is why I was disappointed - I had achieved my goal but not as I had hoped and anticipated.

But that's where all of you came in. You all emailed me and commented (and the lurkers phoned and Facebooked) and you were so nice to me! I wasn't sure what to feel but you were understanding and kind and complimentary and excited! Greg gave me an unintended (and therefore very valuable) compliment by sending me an email of commiseration once I'd missed the 3:40:59 cut-off (he said I looked too young to be 35. Greg! As someone who is 2 weeks away from being 38 you could NOT have me happier unless you were an official from the BAA telling me I officially have a place in next year's Boston marathon). And then, after I was nervously emailing and generally faffing about, one of you sent me the following email:

you are insane, right???????????

YOU JUST BQ'D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHILE HAVING A CRAP DAY!!! AND WALKING??!?!

Think about that for a few seconds....

I want to hear YAY ME! (from you. not me. you know!!!)

You need to congratulate yourself!! You set a goal and woman, you DID IT! You did it while feeling bad, and wanting to quit!! THIS IS HUGE!!!

You're amazing! Think for a MINUTE about what you would have done if you'd felt good and hadn't walked! The mind boggles!!!!

And I realised she was right. Like so many things in life this race did not go as planned. But I had done what I had set out to do. And more than that - I had given up in a race (something I have always been afraid of) and then started up again. Something I did not really want to learn, but did and something to stick in my pocket in future reference.

So I have moved on. I think I have BQed, I can't imagine my time changing, but I've let it go. I'll make my plans (and have that bottle of champagne) when I hear from the BAA (either way..). And I'm not running the Bizz Johnson. In part because, let's face it, I know myself well enough to know that I would try to run a better race than Berlin. And I also know that running another marathon hard, 3 weeks after a previous one, is possibly not a great idea. I am going to save my legs (and knees) for Boston. But also because, by not detouring to Susanville for 3 days, I can go on a bigger road (and hiking and camping) trip with my parents. So often running comes first for me, and I don't regret that or apologise for it, but 3 weeks after a marathon I am going to choose my family. And after a week of wilderness (Sequoia National Park, Sierra National Forest, Yosemite National Park and then some wine tasting around Lodi) I am driving to the Bay Area to stay with the wonderful Maritza and meet up with as many Rohos as I can fit into 48 hours. Eating, drinking, talking, running - it's going to be hard but I think I can do it.

And I'm back on the road yes - faithfully working through Pfitzinger's 6 week recovery plan. I'm erring on the side of caution and rest - if I'm not feeling it I'm not running - but this week has been good. 5 milers have brought the pleasure back pretty quickly.

See you soon, good night and thank you. From the bottom of my heart - thank you.

BQ?

I started writing this post this morning and just deleted everything I had written. It was just too boring and pointless. Let me set the scene for you very briefly and then dig into the meat of the matter..

Trip to Berlin went fine, snag was that SuperSal's luggage went missing so she had to get new racekit at the expo (she had her running shoes on during the journey as per previous advice from me apparently - the wisdom comes and goes and is, in any case, forgotten by me). Berlin was warm and congested, hotel fine, pasta dinner slow to come but delicious, glass of red wine seemed to allow me to sleep much better than before London (ie I slept this time).

Sunday morning, bright, warm and early, we headed to the start which was a 20 minute walk from our hotel through a beautiful park. The start area was fairly well organised, and though I had been seeded in a pen ahead of Sally (don't understand why as she is faster than I am) I was able to drop down into hers. The gun went off at 9am and about 9 minutes later we crossed the start mats. Within about 100 metres I felt one of the soft insoles, which I had tucked into my shorts, drop out. The right one. The one that I felt I might need. I couldn't go back for it though and so we carried on. The course was incredibly congested. It's a big race - 44000 entrants - and, unlike London, there is only one starting area. For the first 10 miles or so Sally and I were weaving and dodging to stay on pace. And the first 10 miles sped past pretty quickly. Right from the get-go we went out at a pace I would describe as "comfortably hard". Had a salt tab after 30 mins, my first gel (Hammer Espresso) at 1 hour. We passed the half marathon mark at 1:48, still well on target for a 3:40 finish. And then - I don't know. All through the first half of the race thoughts like "I'm not enjoying this" had been popping into my mind and I was trying to pop them. Then by mile 14 I noticed that I was feeling really nauseous, cold and shivery despite the fact that the temps were really warming up - it must have been around 23 / 24 degrees Celcius by now. I pulled over for a second and tried to be sick. No go. I told Sally who pep talked me. By 16 I told her that I felt my wheels were coming off. More pep talk. And then at mile 17 I saw a medical tent and made the snap decision to head in. Sally was shocked but by the time she registered I had gone off. I went in and said to the two women there "I am so cold. What is the matter with me?" They were completely unhelpful, said they had no idea and handed me a paper blanket. I sat down on a chair for a minute and then, all of a sudden (it was a day of impulse decisions, clearly) I thought no - this is not going to be a DNF. I said goodbye to the Boston Qualifier but I knew that, one way or the other, I could finish this thing. And so I got out of my chair and got back on the road, with my blanket around me. I ran with the blanket for another mile or so until I felt better and all of a sudden I felt okay again. I walked for a minute every mile, then walked in between as well. I got to the 40K mark and walked, got to the 41K mark and then - all of a sudden - I saw the finish and realised that if I pegged it I might just be able to run in under 3:45:59 - the cut-off. So I pegged it - and I did. 3:45:46 according to the chip time that has been emailed to friends and family... I walked through the finish chute not knowing whether to laugh or to cry - I thought I had probably BQ'ed but I also had the worst race I've ever had. Very strange. As I walked out towards the exit - I had made no plans to meet with Sally or her husband as we had never planned not to finish together and I had left no luggage - I suddenly collapsed to the ground with calf cramps. It was like I had been shot in the calves and hurt like hell. Various runners who were lying on the grass around me resting after the race came to my rescue and as I lay on my back on the ground. 2 men very kindly stretched and pulled my feet until I could get up again. Not the most glamorous of positions to find yourself in but by that stage I was totally beyond caring. They helped me up and I thanked them and just carried on walking. I really can't describe how I felt - I wasn't happy or sad, just relieved that it was over. I picked up my free alcoholfree beer (hmmm - not what I would have asked for but it was fluid) and just ambled back to my hotel where I freed my luggage from storage and could finally contact Sally to tell her I was okay and at the hotel.

Again - I'll spare you the details of the blow-by-blow - showered, changed, airport, flight, airport, McDonalds, flight, drive, home. Where my husband was waiting, super excited as he was confident that I had Boston qualified (he'd gone straight onto the BAA website and checked for the times and seen the 59 seconds grace period note). Bad night's sleep - adrenalin finally kicking in? - and here I am on the day after. My legs are sore, my back is chafed from the one insole I did run round the course with (what was I thinking?) but otherwise, I'm intact..

So how do I think about this race? Was it a success? I went out to Boston qualify - a goal that seemed utterly unachievable 9 months ago and, bearing in mind that the results are not yet official, it looks like I have. Or was it a failure? I lost the plot. Something went wrong physically - nausea is not an unusual feeling but I had it very early on in the race, straight after having my gels (which I've used all summer). I may have had heatstroke - the shivering and goosebumps was very strange. Though again, I've run in far warmer conditions. But more than anything else, I wasn't feeling. Normally when I run a race I am just full of it. Annoyingly so. Grinning, positive, driven - all these things. In London I relentlessly pushed a pace I had not run before and carried this on right up until I absolutely could no longer do it. Here I gave up. I was feeling quite blah for the first bit, hanging on mentally for the next few miles and then I just gave up. I thoughts things like "I don't ever want to run again". And yet. And yet I also got up off my chair at the medical tent. And got myself back in there. Looking at my pace on the Garmin, that slow mile with the medical stop was followed by an 8:19 mile. Pace wise I didn't really slow down until mile 23 when I started running plus 9 minute miles. Did I go out too fast? I think so. Sally was gunning for 3:35, I was gunning for 3:40. I should have let her go. However, had I not swooshed through the first half so quickly, I would not have slipped under the 3:45:59 mark. And then - I wish I could have found whatever I found at the 41K mark just a bit sooner. That last half mile was run at an 8:04 pace..

Or was it just a case of a bad day? I've had those in training, but never in races. Will it happen again? I guess if I keep racing, probably it will. At some point.

More to the point - what now? I have submitted my application to the BAA. But the Berlin results, so far, are classed as inofficial and according to the kind lady at the SCC Real Berlin office I spoke to this morning it will be another week or two before they are confirmed as official. I can't really imagine my time changing - the time I have is a chip time recorded on their website and on all the status updates. But I only have 13 seconds to play with so I'm not celebrating yet..

I wish that I had been able to qualify more conclusively. If I had a 3:43 in the bag I wouldn't be so worried. I also wish I had run a better, more consistent race. On the other hand - who knows what will happen? I may not run this fast again, for whatever reason. If I get a place in Boston, I think I will take it.

Finally - do I run Bizz Johnson, for which I'm registered, in 20 days? Why would I run it? To get rid of this awful feeling that I somehow failed. To run 26.2 fairly consistent miles. To run a good race. Perhaps - to Boston qualify more conclusively. On the other hand - what if I have another bad day? What if I run a worse race?

You can sense where I'm at. All over the place. Not sure where to go or what to do. Send me some wisdom peeps - I know you have your thoughts and opinions and I would like to have them.

And finally finally - thank you all of you who sent me texts, emails and messages of support, commiseration and congratulation. You are incredible. Truly.

Follow me!

The amazing Greg - who has just blasted his previous PR with a "bat out of hell / contained madness" pace - has found the email / SMS results service for the Berlin marathon. Bad news is you only get half marathon / finish times. Good news is they will let you sign up foreign phone numbers which is rare. For those of you who don't succeed I will try to update Facebook as soon as possible. See you on the flipside of 26.2 miles!

Who's the dumb*ss?

Well - that would be me. Because I am the idiot who insisted on running a 30K race without checking out the course profile. Because I did not amend my race strategy when I realised that it was an entirely different race from the one I ran so successfully and confidence-boostingly (bear with me with this lack of grammar, I'm on a roll here) in London in March (extremely hilly instead of flat, on trails instead of roads). Because I kept thinking I could hit a sub 9 mile pace in it. WHAT WAS I THINKING? I wasn't is the answer. Thinking. I didn't think until at mile 17 it felt like someone was hitting the bottom of my left kneecap with a hammer. And I had to struggle in.

Since then my knee has bothered me. It has improved - weekly sessions with Jonathan have loosened the tightness in my quads and improved the tracking of my kneecap. It was never terrible - nothing like my knee pain last year when I could feel it coming down the stairs. I felt it in the last miles of my 16 miler a week ago. Nothing that stopped me, but it was there. After 3 months off orthotics, I have started wearing them again and this week's 12 miler went fine - no pain.

But what it has done is made me nervous. Everything else is looking good. I have been going through my average paces and workouts in my last training cycle and my average paces are up. What felt hard last time is comfortable now. My VO2 pace has gone up (or down - whatever - I'm faster) and my long run pace is a lot faster. I haven't missed many runs in this cycle and found them easier than I did the first time around.

I'm just nervous about my left knee. I took out my orthotics some time ago because in the space of a few days the orthotic on my right foot really started to hurt my arch. I was fine without and just carried on and have only started wearing them again, on and off, since I hurt my knee. I think I probably should wear them in the race but I'm terrified of what might happen if I suddenly develop this pain in my right arch. Right now - and I know this is completely mad but perhaps you'll understand - I'm thinking of taking 2 soft insoles with me tucked into my fuelbelt so that should my arch suddenly become unbearably painful I can take my orthotics out and put my soft insoles in. Kind of insane I know but it might just put my mind to rest. Hrmmm.

Or is all of this just taper madness? To an extent. Or just general madness. Plenty of that going around too.

Otherwise, however - thank you! You guys! What a response to my previous post! What an amazing bunch of friends I have in the running community (and all you lurkers out there - I can see you!) and what a point to prove about what running has brought to my life. Thank you so much - all your comments made me feel very virtually hugged. Wonderful. Can't wait to meet each and every one of you one day out running.

And that's what I'm trying to keep hold of right now. I run because I love it - and I truly do. Not always, not all the time, but most of the time I love it. I have trained hard for Berlin and really would dearly love to BQ. I'm thinking positive thoughts and visualising and all that good stuff. However, however, however - I also want to be okay with it if it doesn't happen. I even want to stop kicking myself for being such a dumb*ss. There's little point in it anyway..

So that leaves me here children. 3 days to go. Last run done yesterday morning (7 miles with 2 at RP - well kinda) and I've decided to ignore the 5 miler Pfitz wants me to do on Friday and the 4 miler he wants me to do on Saturday. I'm going to keep the juice in the box now. Sunday morning, 9 am, let's see if I can use my "bat out of hell" strategy again. I'm not sure whether you can track me - my bib number is F1864 - so far I've not managed to find a tracking website.

I'm going to run this thing. And then I will let you know all about it. I promise!

Ranting..

On the whole, I tend to think of myself as a fairly even-tempered person. Well - that's not entirely true. I tend to veer moor towards one or the other extreme but still - I tend to operate within a band of emotion which is, by and large, moderate. Acceptable, I think. However, from time to time I get totally and completely riled. Utterly.

Over the course of this summer this has happened more often than before. For reasons I shall not bore you with I have recently come in for a larger than usual share of personal criticism. Thankfully not from my husband (or even my children..) but nonetheless. And let me say this upfront - I'm not terribly good at taking criticism. Much better at giving than taking it. However, I am trying to be grown-up about it and to stay calm (serenity now, serenity now). I'm taking it away and trying to work out whether it is true and fair criticism and, if so, if there is anything I can or should do about it. Again I won't bore with what I have been told are my various faults (highlights are that I am, apparently, not terrible sociable, and I am, apparently, occasionally bad-tempered). All fairly subjective criticisms as well, I realise, and I do not take all of it on board.

But then, yesterday, another missile was lobbed at me. Apparently - "and another thing" - I am addicted to running. It's wearing me out and affecting my life and that of those around me negatively. I blame it on the papers: 2 weeks ago this article appeared in the Telegraph and various other papers and since then lots of people have quoted the contents to me. I've tended to just make light of it, and haven't really gone into it. But last night it did rile me.

And why does it irritate me? Well, firstly, I guess, because I don't think it's true. I imagine the research quoted in the article is scientifically accurate, but I don't think that I exercise excessively. Marathon training is intense, but I know plenty of other "normal" people who do it, and many who exercise a great deal more than I do. I don't suffer from anorexia athletica (jeez have you seen me lately?). And when I don't run - like a week ago, when I had to take 5 days off - I did not display "symptoms like those seen in addicts: trembling, writhing, teeth chattering, and drooping eyelids". Good lord.

But what I really don't think is true is that my running affects a) my family and b) my life negatively. I polled the only person who matters in this respect, Adam (my kids would love it if I devoted every waking moment to them so I'm not going to check in with them) and he confirmed that, and I quote "your running does not affect my life negatively in any way and I am very proud of your achievements". I make a considerable effort to ensure that my running rarely takes place at a time when it could affect my family - 80% of it takes place before 8am.

So the final topic to stew on - does it affect my life negatively? The criticiser claimed that I was "always tired" as a result of my running. I'm not. Yes - when I run a 20 miler at 6am I am no longer fresh as a daisy by 9pm. But believe me, it's the rest of my life (2 kids, house, a pile of responsibilities) that tires me out. I have always woken early and gone to bed early (I have just checked and confirmed this with my mother, source of most truths) and this fits in with my running. Thinking things through I would say that the only thing that is sacrificed for my running is watching TV and frequent late night revelling. Without a hint of sanctimoniousness and with, indeed some regret, I don't watch any TV. I tend to use my evenings to catch up on things in my life - friends, books, washing, tidying, etc. I miss the series I would like to watch. But - it's not a big regret. And as for frequent late night revelling - I never was able to keep up with the big kids for very long and, occasionally, I can still bust out a great party night. All the more enjoyable for being a bit more rare...

Fundamentally I am upset by this criticism because I love running and what it has done for my life and I am upset to think that something that makes me so happy could be considered such a bad thing by others. It has not only helped me lose weight that I had carried for over 10 years. It has not only toned me and strengthened me. But it has also served as an enormously healthy way of dealing with stress and tension. It continues to give me an enormous sense of achievement, every day. And it has given me friends and social networks - running buddies near and far - and goals to work towards. The gains, in short, have been enormous.

What are your thoughts? How does your family feel about the time you devote to running? Do you feel you miss out on things because of it?

Ok. Rant over.

Finally - it's taper time. 3 weeks till Berlin. The knee is getting better - Jonathan said it was a typical fell runner's injury (hardcore, but still undesirable) and is working on loosening the quads and minimising the swelling. I feel fairly confident that Jonathan, and time and taper, will get my knee healed before Berlin. I've been icing after runs, and only felt my knee slightly in the last (downhill) miles of yesterday's 20 miler. Nonetheless, I got her in in 2:53 which gives me confidence for the big race in 3 weeks. Hope everyone's running is going well. I am YEARS behind on commenting on your blogs but intend to catch up next week!

Hubris?

You may recall that before London I ran 3 long races - the Stamford 30K, the Ashby 20 miler and a 20 mile race in London. At the last one I came in in 2:54, feeling strong and ready for the marathon.

This time round the long distance races were harder to find. In fact, the only one I could find that was fairly near (75 miles) was the Belper Rugby Rover 30K. And so, without much investigation or information, I signed up for it. And made SuperSal sign up for it as well. SuperSal was worried that I would take off like a rocket and so wasn't sure about running it but I assured her that my strategy was to 9 minute mile it. Secretly I thought that if we were feeling strong by mile 15 we could then kick in the 8:10s if we wanted to. Well har-dee-har-har. Pride comes before fall and all that malarkey.

We arrived well before time and fiddled about with race numbers etc. More or less at 930 about 400 of us set off. Within half a mile of a start we came to a standstill several times - we all had to wedge through a variety of little gates and this caused quite the tailback. Still, it's a good idea to start slow and I didn't think much of it. However, once through the gate it dawned on me. Oh. This was a cross country 30K. That is, off-road. And so it was. A single track along fields led to a stile (the first of SO many) and then off we were. Or rather up we were. Derbyshire is hilly and we had to go up the first hill. And not on a road, remember? So just through the grassy fields up the hill. And on. An on. Stony and root-covered trails were followed by more fields. I stumbled and fell at about 2M not hurting anything. I thought. By mile 7 we had reached our 2nd waterstop and we were at the bottom of a very high and steep hill. My heart sank. By mile 8.5 we had walked / run up most of this hill, climbed over dozens of stiles or little gaps in stone walls between fields (very rustic I know - but I wasn't really focusing on that aspect of things) and I was seriously contemplating a DNF. Berlin is flat. I don't need these horrible hills, not to mention the stupid fields, the cowpats, the gnarly trails. None of it. However, we were in the milddle of nowhere and the only way on was up. So up we went.

And then, almost out of nowhere, at mile 17 I was greeted by my nemesis. Knee pain! No! I haven't had this at all. And now suddenly, out of nowhere, here it was. I tried to stretch but this shot cramps into my calves and hamstrings. Walking was fine, but running hurt. I stopped and started, and eventually got back to a slow and not terribly painful pace. I came through, tired and demoralised, at 3:19. 3:19! That's 10:49 min/mile...

Thank god for Sally. She talked me through, didn't complain about her own footpain, and was very sympathetic about my knee. Not only that. After the shower (which was wonderful) and wedging myself into my new compression tights, Sally's husband Bob got a camping stove going in the back of his car and made us tea and bacon and eggs. Wonderful. Delicious. What a demoralised girl needs.


And then I drove home to my husband to celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary. And watch Usain Bolt power his way to a 100m win. And watch Jessica Ennis finally win gold.

This week is my second silver-bullet week - my son is going to hospital in London today and my mother and I will be staying down there with him. I always knew running might be hard, and given yesterday I think some time off might be the best thing for me. I'm not, at this stage, too worried about my knee. I think it was the hills, and in particular the screaming downhills, which did it. I suspect that, just like with skiing, my quad is enormously tight and will need loosening. As I can't see Jonathan my osteopath until next Monday I will take it easy this week. Take the beginning of the week off, see where I am Wednesday / Thursday for an easy 5 miler.

Finally, here's the profile of the race as posted on their website. As part of their logo. I should have paid more attention ...