Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Why I run

I was thinking about this topic today after a post by the wonderful and wise Greg on why he runs. I agreed with most of his reasons but a new one came to me today, against the background of some other stuff in my life.

I have just made a mistake at work. Not an enormous one, but a visible one, which will cost my firm a little bit of money. I have fessed up and offered to pay up but they are being very gracious about it. It was caused by lack of attention to detail which is a general character fault which I work hard at to correct but don't always succeed in dealing with. So. That makes me feel pretty bad. I have had to fall on my sword publicly. Not so nice. And I feel like an idiot. Not nice at all. And I now feel like every bad thing that everyone has ever said and implied about me (or which I think they have ever said or implied about me) must be true as well. A truly quite horrible feeling.

If I didn't run I might not have any perspective on this matter at all. That's what I'm like. I would think "well this proves that I am just a fat, lazy, incompetent woman who doesn't deserve to have a job at all, nor a loving family or any of the wonderful friends she has near and far". Because I run - because I am still able to drag out a 12 miler after a hellish day yesterday and before a hellish day tomorrow - I feel that I can't be all bad. Mostly bad. But not all bad. To paraphrase the wonderful Fraulein Maria, at some point in my wicked miserable life, I am able to do something good...

So I'm going to go and cook a meal for my family now and do my best not to be ratty with them all and tomorrow I'll go and face some more music. I'll run 5M before work just to give me strength.. That's why I run.

10 comments:

Road Warrior said...

Interesting, and I agree.

It sounds like running is something you can control and it gives you a sense of accomplishment. It should. You have accomplished amazing things and you continue to accomplish amazing things.

My suspicion is that your firm thinks you're pretty amazing, too, and not all that bad. Employers aren't gracious to everyone--just the good ones.

Mistakes don't make you a bad person. Not owning up to them and not learning from them is the real problem.

But I'm glad you have a way to clear your head by hitting the roads. You can work through emotions and find some clarity that way!

jeanne said...

you are channeling me...I can totally relate to this post. It's so honest, I wish I had the courage to post stuff like this bcs i feel this way pretty much every single day.

But you're right...even if i am dumb as dirt and fat and stupid, I can freakin' run a half marathon! Badly, but still.

aron said...

I totally know what you mean... its just SO nice to get out there and your own and know you are doing something great for yourself, no matter what crap is going on around you.

but we all make mistakes and you do A LOT of good things!!!!! hang in there... hope it gets better :)

jen said...

It is amazing - the healing power of running. You are quite accomplished and not a screw-up at all. We all make mistakes, and it sounds like you are handling this very maturely and responsibly. I'm sure your firm appriciates you enough to overlook this small thing. :)

ShirleyPerly said...

To relieve stress from school/work and have time to myself away from the rat race is actually the main reason I ever began running. I'm glad it's helped you to deal with your unfortunate situation at work.

But EVERYONE makes mistakes from time to time. Some people may not have the guts to admit it or would rather blame someone else but a lot of people like us just take things too hard when they goof, which is also not helpful. A friend of mine allows herself 24 hours to have a pity party and then moves on. I think she's pretty smart.

Irish Blue said...

I think all of those things you described are what make you so lovable. It's also very courageous of you to say (God forbid) you made a mistake. Thanks for being so candid, honest, and human. That's why we love you! The running - that's just a bonus (since we like that too ;-). We'd still love you if you really did have tree trunks for legs and a big ole boody.

Hope next week is better. Just remember, at the end of the day - mistakes or no mistakes - you're still pretty damn amazing.

Susan said...

Such a wonderful, wise post!

Happy Belated UK Mothers Day.

SeriousRunning said...

I agree. Running does seem to make everything better. It de-stresses you after a long day and allows you time to think.

I also read a book by the entrepreneur Danny Deutsch who said he goes to the gym every morning because he likes to feel like no matter what meeting room he is in, he is the biggest person and could "beat up" anyone if it came to it. Not that it would every come to it but he likes having that confidence. I think knowing that you can run long distances is kind of the same way. It gives you confidence, not necessarily in your abilities against other people but in your personal abilities. If I can run 12 miles tonight I can fall on the sword no problem. Too easy.

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