Doh.

I've said it before and yes I will say it again - personal growth and understanding is a sloooooooooow process for me. Pennies just gently float down and I rarely hear them drop.

Take last night. At about 8:30, after a lovely steak (iron-rich!) supper I was at my computer when in pinged an email from Drusy who hosts the RRT. "Petra, tonight's Runners Round Table is all women and its on Overtraining. (..) I've been reading up to prepare.....and then I read your blog. You've got ALL the signs. and your doc has give the best advice! Log in to the chatroom if you're around at 9pm on Wed. Hang in there! Toni". I read it and thought "Oh Toni - I'm not overtrained. I'm just anemic!". But anyway, I did log into the chatroom. She had some great guests on the show - I was really impressed with Amelia's knowledge and advice and Tory's experience and cautious approach. As they started listing the symptoms of overtraining - tiredness, dreading runs, not sleeping well - I realised that besides my anemia I had all of these symptoms. Ah. Maybe Toni was right. I haven't been sleeping at all well, dreading runs (hell yeah!). There is no doubt that anemia hasn't helped but I think I have pushed and pushed and pushed my training to the point where it has become a much bigger problem. It was very interesting in the chatroom last night to read that really experienced runners like Matt from the Dumprunners Club are very tuned into signs of overtraining and tone things down accordingly during their training cycles - something to learn from. Amelia pointed out that running and training while anemic was like running with only one lung - I was not running well and just hurting myself, making myself worse. She said that taking a couple of weeks off, improving my iron stores and giving my body a chance to catch up would mean I could come back much stronger. Given that she seems to know what she's talking about, I'm going to take her word for it. As of today,

• I'm going to take a month off running longer. I will do about 5M twice a week - if I feel like it.
• I'm going to cross train by cycling and doing yoga.
  
• I am contemplating joining our local gym so I can swim. Pros - lovely pool, steam room and sauna. Cons - kinda pricey and will I use it enough?
  
• I am also going to focus on my diet - I am focusing on improving my iron intake and "cleaning up" my diet. Improving my iron intake is kind of complicated - you have to combine certain foods to improve the iron you can absorb. And keep away from other combos. Like caffeine with my boiled egg breakfast. Hmm. There are ups though - including oysters! Yes!
  

The bigger picture is that I'm shocked by my own realisation about how much I define myself as a runner - and more than that, as a marathon runner. This is not good. While I am really proud of what I have achieved and will, most certainly, be out there running marathons again in the future, there has to be more about me that I am proud and confident about. And if I can't see that, I need to work on that. As some of you have suggested, I will use my time off to focus on other areas of interest that have been lagging so that I can work on seeing myself in a more rounded way. As well as a runner..

All in all I'm feeling positive. Thank you ALL of you for such lovely wonderful kind and generous comments. I am looking forward to this period of trying some new things and some new attitudes. Stay tuned!

Doctor's orders

I've started to write this post so many times. In fact, there are about 5 versions of it saved as drafts in my blogger account. I really wasn't sure about where to go with what I was feeling, physically and mentally, and all the different posts reflected the various different things going through my head.

Because my running has not been going so great. This past weekend I had to face the fact that in the first 5 weeks of this training program I have never, not once week, hit the mileage I was meant to. Most weeks I was a few miles short but every week there was at least one workout I could not complete. My stomach ache has not got worse but not got better either. And I am exhausted. Just worn out. I have been dragging myself out onto the road. And dragging myself through my workouts. I found myself on an evening, about 10 days ago, lacing up my shoes and saying to my husband that I really didn't want to go for a run. "Well don't then" he said. And I said to him that I had to. If I didn't run, I told him, I wasn't a runner anymore, and if I wasn't a runner anymore then I don't know who I am. This statement just burst out of me and I was so shocked I headed out straight for my run. But that thought keeps coming back to me. Is it true? Do I think it's true? What do I mean by it?

You all know me by now. I am the girl who never did any exercise, who ended up living in the countryside with a husband and two tiny children, not working, overweight and somehow, amazingly, I started to run. Very slowly, but I did it. I threw myself at WeightWatchers, for the umpteenth time but for the first time while exercising, and it worked. I lost weight I had been hanging onto for a decade, and more, and found myself in the course of this. I started running races, ran my first marathon (4:55), started blogging and found this incredible world out there of other runners. Running has transformed me, physically but also very much mentally. It has sustained me through some very tough times and has given me something to feel good about when I've felt I was achieving very little in other parts of my life. It is the thing people know about me. When they see me they ask me what event I'm training for, how many marathons I've run and I proudly tell them. I also tell them that if I can do it, so can they.

Through all the various stuff that has gone in my life, particularly in the last year, running and being a runner has helped me to stay the course, to feel worthwhile and valuable. I could tell, in the past week, that my training was not on course. But I felt utterly incapable of knowing what to do with myself without it.

Then I went to the doctor's for the results of my tests this morning. And relax - there's nothing too serious going on. My tests came back negative so I'm going to have a scan to check out what is going on with this mild but persistent pain in my lower abdomen. While I was there I got chatting to my lovely GP, who is a runner and a mother and who I really like, and we checked out my iron levels again. Which are still very very low despite the fact that I've been taking iron levels on and off for a year now. I told her I was exhausted and feeling very rundown and she told me that with my iron levels where they are she is not surprised. My body is constantly trying to replenish its diminished stores and trying to push myself to run 50+ miles a week is right now asking too much of it. I said to her that I had been thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should not run my planned marathon in September and she just told me straight that she thought I shouldn't. I shouldn't train that hard, and shouldn't push myself that hard, with my body in the condition it's in at the moment. She said I was ignoring what my body was telling me (true) and that, if I made it across the finish line at all without giving up halfway, my recovery would be very very long. Our priority right now, is to do something more constructive and long term about the anaemia (for once, I'll spare you the TMI but I'm pretty certain I know why I'm anaemic and how to resolve it - it's just a bit, well, involved).

On the way back I phoned Dawn. My BFF who totally understands me and the state I'm in - and why this all matters so much. She realises how much of my identity is caught up in my not only being a runner, but a marathoner. And how hard it is to let that go, even for a while. But she pointed out that if I got things sorted in the next few months I would have plenty of time to train for Boston. And be a much stronger runner when I'm out there.

So I'm ditching the Robin Hood marathon for this year. I'm taking a step back. I'm not giving up on running but for now, I'm going to be running 5-10 milers. I like being fit and I want to stay out there, but I'm benched for this marathon season.

I'm okay with this. Apart from anything, I'm so tired. I'm not missing those sloggy 14 milers. But I will miss you all - feeling a part of it. I'll miss running a marathon this autumn. I'll, basically, feel left out. But I'm a big girl - don't feel sorry for me. I'm going to get over myself, follow you guys and cheer you along. I'm saving myself for Boston..

Where am I?

Where am I? Where have I been? Not here, that's for sure - it's been nearly 4 weeks since I posted! And not on your blogs - I am shockingly behind on everyone's blogs. I have been away from you, my internet friends, for various reasons:
- lack of time. We went away on a week's holiday to the Isle of Wight which was wonderful and glorious. Especially glorious just to be with Adam and the kids. We camped in an Airstream trailer and went to the beach. We even - very bravely and not for very long - swam in the Atlantic.


As soon as I came home things just went into overdrive. There were trips to London to sort out our flat there for new tenants (and us! more of that another time), there seem to be endless events at both my kids' schools (some of which require picnics which need to be shopped for and cooked for) and generally - it has been a struggle to just fit the running itself in. Which I have managed, mostly..

- lack of oopmh. I know - not again. But yes, again. My runs in the past 2 weeks have been tough - really tough - primarily because I seem to be suffering from a really painful stomach and related (?) GI issues. I ran a race recently (more later of that) and by mile 13 of the 17.3 miler I had to go off in the bushes and dry-heave. I know - TMI - but that's never happened to me before. Last week I had 16 on the books with 10 at RP. While I managed the RP I had to shoot into a field by mile 9.5 of the race pace section and I then felt so awful I only managed 14 miles. Last night's 10 miler with 5 at LT was the same story - I completed the 2M warmup, the 5M at RP (with a totally respectable, for me, pace of 7:52) only to find myself completely sapped of energy by the end and just struggling home for the last mile, missing out another 2M. I have been googling my symptoms and some seem to suggest this might be dehydration. I can't think that's the case - I drink so much water all day and while I'm out running. And because of my stomach, I find it impossible to drink sports drink or eat gels / shotblocks - again, this is not going to help me go long. In all honesty, I have been so busy that it's only yesterday that I realised that this - my stomach ache and all - had been going on for a good 2 weeks or so (and I have it all day, not just when exercising) and I've made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I seem to be susceptible to stomach viruses which is why I didn't take note immediately, but enough is enough.

Knowing our health service, however, it will be about another 3 weeks before I get any results. So int he meantime, this leaves me in a situation where my long runs, in particular, are hard to get through. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this. Partly as an experiment, partly through time shortage, I'm going to have to do tomorrow's long run (17M) in 2 parts (the doctor's appointment is right in the middle of my running slot) so what I think I'll do is 7M before breakfast and then 10 after the doc's appointment. We'll see how I get through that and whether that might be the way forward for a little while, at least.

In other news - I WON A PRIZE IN A RACE! Yes I know!
Let me paint the picture - it was the first-time running of a new local race, and 19 people entered the event I ran in - an 18 miler (except it was short). I ran the first nearly 9 miles with a 55 year old who gaily chatted for the entire time while I kept thinking I was setting off too fast.. After the turn (where my running buddy SuperSal was marshalling) I let him go which was a good thing because my GI issues got worse. I couldn't bear the feel of the race belt across my stomach so twisted that round my arm and, as I said above, I even pulled off the course for a while to see if I could feel better by being sick. No go. However, I decided there was no option to it other than to slog it out, and so slog it out I did. And when I walked back to my car to go home, I was told to stay to receive my prize! Prize! I was the 3rd woman in - the first woman got overall first, the second was older than me by 16 years and came first in her age group (yes I know you are less and less impressed with me now) and then there was me - 1st in my age group, 35-45. I think there were at least 4 women who were slower than me ;). But I did beat a joggler.

So that's it from me folks - I'm going to catch up with all of your blogs and I'm sorry this is not a very sparkly post - I hope to be back at full sparkle soon. Hope all of your running is going well?

Bring it on Uncle Pfitz.

14 weeks from today I will be lining up for my 8th marathon, the Experian Robin Hood marathon in Nottingham. We have established it will be devoid of robbing and pillaging. We have established that the vast majority of runners will be running the half, leaving a small group to run another half on their lonesomes around a windy watersports training centre. We have established that I will be dealing with the loneliness by drawing on my experience of running alone for most of my training and by listening to my iPod. So now all I have to do is train for the thing.

Let's establish where I am - physically. I'm slow. I've not done any speedwork since my Boston training finished, over 6 weeks ago. I've not done masses of running - I've not even updated my DailyMile totals for months. I had another blood test recently which established that I am still anaemic and so for the past 2 weeks I have been taking my iron pills (diligently - I had stopped taking them months ago when they ran out). And I have felt a slight increase in spring in step. So I am slow, but healthy. Knees are fine. The periformis pain (also known as pain in the *ss) which has been bugging me for over a year now is still there but does not appear to be getting any worse and seems to be responding to some hard sessions with my new foam roller. I will do what I did in training for my last three marathons and book a session with Jonathan, my running osteopath, every 3 weeks which seems to keep me more or less stretched. I would also like to keep up the biking I've been doing recently - nothing massive or strenuous but at least an hour a week at 15mph. And I am going to try to make at least one yoga class a week - again, my yoga classes are unbelievably unstrenuous but therein lies much of the appeal. My pushup challenge has been slightly halted by a sharp pain to the left of my right hip - I am a bit worried I may be giving myself a hernia and so am switching to different pushups on my yoga ball. (For those in the know - does this look like the right idea?
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I am determined to work on stability and strength for the first time and I hope that will make me stronger and faster. Finally - my relative dietary diligence means I'm only pounds away from where I want to be. I set myself back a bit this afternoon with some pringles, but you know how it goes once you pop.. Sigh.

Mentally, you'll all be happy to hear I am in a really great frame of mind. I have worked my way through the pile of cr*p that was the last 6 months and I am ready to go. On all fronts.

So training-wise I am back with Pete Pfitzinger. It's worked before and it'll work again. I'm stretching out his 12 week 55M program to 14 weeks - not sure yet which weeks to double, tips? - and although I KNOW I will be cursing him next Saturday morning when I have to drag 8M at race pace out of my 13 miler - sheesh Uncle Pfitz, cut me some slack! - it will be good for me.

I've cranked out a 40M week to set me up, finishing off with a 14M run this morning in the rain.


Running-wise, life-wise. Bring. It. ON!

Everything you always wanted to know. After last week? Probably not but here it is anyway.

I was tagged by running and living. Well .. she tagged her first 15 commenters (I know! She's very popular!) and I was number 14. Squeezed in - that's me! And now I'm going to tag whoever would like to me tagged so think about it. 7 random facts people!

1. Only a few people know, because I haven't blogged about it yet, that I have basically made my husband take up running. He's been sort of running 5/6/7 milers and has done a few longer runs recently (10/11 miles) and then - last week - he did his first ever half marathon. Now that is a BIG deal. Let me rewind for you - we met as students, have been together and in love for over 18 years. 7 years ago I took up running and he has been very supportive of me as I lost weight and gained confidence. I very much wanted him to start as well - running has brought me a great deal of happiness and joy - but also did not want to push it. You've got to *want* to run training miles, no good doing it with me forcing him. So to see him out there running and to go to a race with him to race it together - it was fabulous. We ran the White Peak half together, where we also met up with masses of running blogging / podcasting buddies. And we ran it. On the hottest day of the year so far and in new shoes (hmm yes - the rookie lost his running shoes last week and had to buy new ones the day before the race..) my wonderful and amazing husband finished his first half marathon. He only stopped speaking to me for the last 2 miles and I think our marriage was briefly suspended half a mile before the finish, but he's already talking about his next one. So well done Adam!

Yep that's him and me lurking in the corner. The photos for this race are diabolical - my legs look like gigantic short treetrunks. I am only 4 lbs away from target weight folks - what is this? Is this what my legs are actually like? I know. I know. Yes.

2. My son is called Felix because I was casting about for names for him and went though one of my old American history books and found a list of supreme court justices and was struck by Felix Frankfurter.. Poor Felix has 4 names - the first 2 are the family names (Adam Matthew) and the second 2 are his own, and my choices, Felix Emerson. Being the birthgiver and the stretch mark receiver, I also insisted he be known as Felix and not as something so ghastly as little Adam or whatever. (Remember on Dynasty they had LB? Little Blake? Oh man. That is bad.)
3. I'm Dutch. Well, many of you know this but for those who don't know - I've lived in the UK for years now but am Dutch. I grew up all over the world until the age of 11 so grew up bilingual even though my parents weren't, which made life in the English-speaking world easier for me. But when it comes to football (soccer) which I hate, I still support the Dutch. Thankfully there was no Dutch entry in Eurovision. The Dutch are good at herring and licorice. Not so good at music.
4. I cannot bear rodents but am not afraid of spiders.
5. After last week's post I got LOADS of lovely comments and feedback and emails so it's perhaps not clear enough that I am okay. I am okay. It has been rough, and I don't have all the answers (sorry) but I am okay and, yes, stronger for it. Stick that in your pipe midlife crisis and SMOKE IT!
6. Listening to Barbra Streisand singing can reduce me to tears. I am not proud of this. But it has done, and will do in future. I am powerless.
7. I met my BFF, Dawn, a few months after we each had our first child. We were waiting to see our health visitor at the doctor's when we overheard her saying something stupid and looked at each other as if to say "who is this woman?". We bonded, and making a great friend in my thirties is one of the most lovely surprises life has thrown me so far. She is truly 100% supportive and loving and with me all the way not to mention that she cracks me up on a regular basis. We live 130 miles apart but speak most days - I am very very lucky to have her in my life.

All is good folks. 15 weeks until the Robin Hood marathon which you are all getting way too excited about. We don't get to go a'stealin' through Nottingham (sadly) and I don't think we actually run through Sherwood Forest. On the upside, I don't think Russell Crowe, the latest and totally annoying and humourless Robin Hood, will be running it. One more week of dossing about, running 30M or so to just keep the legs ticking over and the Pfitz will start giving it to me again. I am slow so we will have an interesting few weeks. Goodnight for now, and good luck to you all!

Once more unto the breach, dear friends

Sometimes it seems to me I can never put my finger on what is troubling me until it is behind me - the shape and form it takes is never very clear until I have some hindsight. Telling you all last week that I was going through a midlife crisis was a good example of that. I have been going through something for months and strangely, it was not until I actually wrote it down that it seemed to both take on a distinct form and be something I could move beyond. I have thought about writing about it elsewhere on a different blog - I'm not sure who lurks here - but I think that this blog has been about a lot more than running for such a long time and you are my friends, not just my running friends, so I'm going to put things out here, in a succinct form and preserving the privacy of those involved. So for all of you looking for just running stats (like my blog was ever the place for that) move onto the next item in your googlereader now.

In the course of the past year, there have a number of changes in my life. Two in particular, concerning my daughter's education and moving house, were decisions I have had a hard time coming to terms with. I have never, in the past, had a problem with accepting a compromise once it had been agreed, but in this case I kept going through the decision process in my head, repeating all the steps, ending up at the same place and yet not finding any peace with that. On top of this, I was feeling a general sense of unease at the fact that I was nearing 40 (next year) and that I had not achieved much (I know that is debatable, but bear with me - this is what I felt). I was worried and concerned about how I was going to fill in that part of my life that was mine in a useful and productive and enjoyable way. I also started to feel very guilty about the fact that I lead a comfortable life and the good fortune I have - I felt I had done nothing to deserve, or earn, these things. Then, at the end of last year, I found myself very suddenly and unexpectedly on the receiving end of a great deal of very unexpected, harsh and unpleasant criticism from someone whom I loved and trusted. Coming on top of the issues I was struggling with outlined above, this felt like an assault. And, looking back, that's how I reacted. It just unmoored me. I did not feel safe, mentally, anywhere. An attack, after all, could come when I least expected it. I felt I could no longer trust my instincts. I found myself looking back over my life, amazed at the certainty with which I, in the past, have made decisions. How did I always know what I wanted? I would find myself incapable of making the simplest, most mundane of decisions.

Running did keep me going. Having a schedule to follow, gave me something to do. At a time when I really did not know where to turn or what to aim for, reading the day's instructions gave me something to do and to aim for. But you can also imagine that with my frame of mind at the time, training was just not a mental priority and perhaps this is why I went off the boil a bit. I enjoyed some runs, I enjoyed some races, but overall I was just getting through it.

During all of this I was never alone. My husband is, and has always been, a complete rock and incredibly, unbelievably supportive. I'd find myself casting out idea after idea, trying to get some focus back in my life - yoga retreats in India, neuro-linguistic programming - and he engaged with all of it and supported me. (Incidentally, I went for none of these things). My friends were amazing. Supportive, kind, willing to listen to me again and again as I questioned everything, every decision I had made. My parents too - it's amazing how I got to nearly 40 to realise what wise and wonderful people they are. A lot of the things they have said have stuck in my head and have been instrumental in working my way out of my situation.

Because I have. A week or two ago, I went to a lunch party, full of self-doubt and criticism (here I am, a living cliche, woman without a job going out to a charity lunch) and I met a very sparkly, friendly, engaging person who reminded me of how much fun it is to be around creative and sparkly people. And that there is a creative and sparkly person inside me as well. And somehow, my mind clicked into a better place. Nothing medical, nothing magical. The engine just started up again.

Now let's get things straight here. First off - I know a little about depression, and I know I was not depressed. I was just, somehow, stuck. I tried my old coping strategies - fake it till you make it, and doing the opposite of me, but somehow I was very aware of faking it and not making it and of consciously doing the opposite of me. It didn't work. I knew that I just had to get through this time as well as I could, with as much personal integrity and honesty as I could bring to my situation and the people around me. And that, somehow, I had to take - yes, learn! - something.

And I have learned some things. I have learned that, despite being “gobby” at times and pretty extraverted, I find it hard to be assertive about my thoughts and feelings when I know people are not going to be happy to hear them. I know what I want but I’d rather not have a fight to get it – I’d rather win people round with reason and charm. It’s a strategy that’s worked for me often, but this time it did not work and I have had to face up to the fact that sometimes I need to be braver. And be able to handle the fallout. So, once more unto the breach, dear friends. I'm back in the game.

I don't yet know "what I'm going to do with my life". I'm carrying on with things - my lovely family who give me plenty to do and engage with and my running. And I'm exploring new things. Fear of failure has held me back in the past, but I'm determined that is not going to be the story of my future. I've thrown out a number of lines and will let you know when I can feel a bite..

As always, but more than usual this time - thank you for reading.

6 is the new 5 - and other goals.

Yes I have been a bad - silent - blogger recently. And a bad - silent - commenter as well. It's my life people - I'm trying to enjoy the downtime (ie not-training-for-a-marathon-time) to pick up the stitches I've dropped in my life while I was training. I've dealt with admin, with domestic issues, with some personal issues (though sadly, to no avail) and tried to take the time to not rush into my next training cycle. I've tried to focus on the opposite of me - fight the impulsive decisions, reassess past situations before planning new ones.

The problem is that I'm going through a sort of mid-life crisis. I won't bore you with the details of it - for now - suffice it to say that coupled with my crisis are feelings of guilt for even having it and feelings of boredom over having it at all. While part of me is in mental freefall, the rest of me is just sitting there, yawning, thinking "haven't we been here before sweetie?". Or something a bit harsher than that. Like I said, I'm not going to bore you with it apart from the fact that I thought, initially, that I should perhaps not train for a marathon at the moment, to free myself up to resolve my "issues". But that is just too boring a prospect. And what I'm going through I'm just going to have to go through and resolve, one way or the other. And that will take time. And while I'm taking that time (have I mentioned before how impatient I am? This is a challenge, indeed) I might as well do something. And for lack of another good plan, I shall train for a marathon. So here we go again.

The marathon I am training for - and this is the opposite of me - is the Experian Robin Hood marathon. You were of varied opinions about it when I polled your thoughts about it - but the overwhelming reason for me to do this is because it is close and, after the debacle of Boston, I can pretty much guarantee I can get to the starting line. I would say to you that I am going against my instinct and not turning this into a foreign jolly like I usually do, but that would be a very narrow truth - IronJen is going to be in Paris the week before the marathon and I am determined to make it out to see her (I know - that is so good of me). I am sure that we will be able to add to my iron stores by drinking some lovely champagne..

Now onto the cryptic (catchy?) title for this post - I have made some decisions about my training:
- I'm using the Pfitzinger 12 week program, fitting in 2 weeks extra for summer holidays. 18 weeks - well 20 - was just too long for me to keep my focus for. Don't know who I was kidding - true type A (and superfast) runners Aron and Jen warned me about this but hey - only one way to really, truly, find out.
- I'm really going to cross train this time. No really! I have started doing yoga once a week, my bike is being services as I speak, and I have found about new, less daunting, swimming lessons on Sundays. Stay tuned for another update on social group behavior. The 100 pushup program has been on my iPhone for oh, a year now? Now I want to have guns like Michelle's. Keep me to it!
- In the warm-up to it all - I have 3 weeks to go - I am trying to keep my mileage between 30 and 40 miles per week but also trying to move my general knocking-about-not-really-training-just-chillin-and-listening-to-my-tunes runs to 6 miles instead of 5.

And I have got to - GOT TO - move 5 pounds. Off. My butt.

So there we have it. I've boldly put it all out there, now all I need to do is go out there and do it.

I will leave you with some shots of my latest run, in Derbyshire (3 miles uphill followed by 3 miles downhill), and the local wildlife.

sheep in the car park where I left my car..

more sheep on the way uphill - don't you love their trough?

me. yes they are crow's feet. From smiling, people.

green and pleasant, if not sunny, land..

off-roading it a bit - this was a particularly LONG uphill so I was happy to take a photographer's break.

Hope all your running is going well - about to go and check you all out. TTFN!

It's the training, Stupid.

I've said before that personal growth for me is a very slippery slope. I am not very good at listening to myself and being intuitive - I charge ahead like a blinkered horse and the life lesson that I need to learn has to be hammered round my head, usually several times, before I take note.

But first back to the last 2 weeks. My oh my, are you guys lovely. Read the comments. You are wonderful! I could not have asked for a more supportive and kind and thoughtful readership. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. If I didn't go into a sharp decline last week it is because of all of you. I felt so loved and so cared for. I felt kind of embarassed, actually - there are worse things in the world than missing the Boston marathon. I think.

The week of the Boston marathon was, though, very weird. The weekend passed in a haze of confused emotions: sadness, anger and resignation. I wondered whether I would be able to bring myself to even follow my friends running Boston but in the event I was glued to the computer and watched all of the race, rooting for all my fabulous running buddies out there. Watching the race unfold I was also struck by how hard the course looked. It really is hilly. And it twists and turns an awful lot. But Chris and Meg and Emily and Jill and all the rest of you - you did an amazing job on this bear of a course. It goes without saying that I wanted to be there with you. But I wasn't and so I just thought of you all. Very hard!

And then, once Boston was over, it was a weight off my shoulders. Really - there was a very unexpected sense of relief, not only that the moment that could have been mine had now passed, but also that this training cycle was over. Yes, I had contemplated running another marathon. Quite a few of you recommended it and I even signed up for one when I got in from London on the Friday night before Boston. But after marathon Monday, I was done. Just done.

As in, stick a fork in me. As in, I am not running a race.

You've all been here in this training cycle with me - you know that it has not been a cracking one. I have kept the pedal to the metal in my training since January 2009. Then, I was fresh. After London I started chasing the BQ. Although I don't recall my training over the summer being fabulous, looking back over my stats I was fast and tight, and even the minor knee injury hardly stopped me. Then, after qualifying, things went wobbly for a bit. I went wobbly for a bit. I picked myself up, put myself through a 20 week training schedule and .. well .. it wasn't the best training cycle in the world. I lost my mojo. I was not as fast as I would have hoped to be and indeed had been, last year. I got injured and this injury kept popping up again. I know that, had I run Boston, I would have limped off that course. And that would have been fine with me - Boston is worth that. And taking 3 weeks off to heal would have been something I could have coped with, while gazing at my medal and that fugly but oh-so desirable blue and gold jacket. But I'm not injuring myself for a little marathon I don't care about and haven't trained for. That is not - in any way - to denigrate or minimise the effort and achievements of those who do train for it and will run it. But I trained for Boston. And, for better or worse, this training cycle is now, officially, over.

It's amazing - the amount of people who say to me "All that training! For nothing!". And I really have checked in with myself to see if that's how I feel. And it's just not how I feel at all. If anything, this weird experience has made me see that it's the training that's the point, not the race. Which I didn't realise at all, and would never have known had I not had this experience. It has been a difficult 6 months for me and my family - my training, however flawed, has kept me focused and on track in my life beyond running. The training, in short, has proved far more of an end, than a means.

So what did I do, and what will I do? Well - we have been living in a weird domestic situation for 10 months (adding to my stress) where we have been sharing (admittedly large) living quarters with my father-in-law and his girlfriend while they do up our old house to move into. The whole situation has been incredibly stressful (running out of the door was, at times, essential) not in the least because there was no definite date when they were moving out. In that weird way that things sometimes come together, the final stages of the move-out occurred on the morning I set out for London, then Boston. So... once I'd come through the weekend and marathon Monday, I buried my head into moving for a week. I emptied boxes, I cleaned wardrobes, I decluttered relentlessly - I kept myself very busy. And then this week, I got back onto the road - slowly. I am determined to give my knees enough rest to recover from whatever is bugging them. I am determined to give my mind the rest I need to go back into another training cycle with some vim and vigor.

Speaking of which - what's next? I'm asking you, actually. What's next? Although I have not heard from the BAA yet, I am assuming that next year's place is mine. (And if it isn't, well then it isn't.). So I want a fun race next. Another marathon. This autumn. What can you recommend my friends? There's a local one which appeals, even though it does not come highly recommended. It's the Experian Robin Hood marathon in Nottingham. It doesn't come highly recommended as it is both a full and a half marathon and the course of the full joins almost the entire half-marathon course, before the half-marathoners finish and the few marathoners carry on to run another 13.1 miles, in relative solitude. However, however, however. As someone who trains mostly alone, I don't fear that. In fact, in a way it would be fun to do a marathon where I wouldn't feel I was missing out on atmosphere by dialling into my iPod for the second half (I've never ever raced with an iPod on). Also, there's a certain appeal in running a local-ish marathon - not having to make elaborate or expensive plans to get there (and I can't think a volcano could prevent me from getting to Nottingham). On the other hand - it would be more fun to go somewhere. So what do you think? What can you recommend? I want to run and enjoy the race. Which races did you enjoy?

Finally - it's a good thing I'm so philosophical - now - about missing out on Boston. Guess what came in the post for me today? My official results.

Thanks guys! I really must be a big girl now...

Surrender to the universe - part troix

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post called Surrender to the universe. With an injury in my knees and 18 weeks of training behind me, I told myself I had to accept that Boston was not going to be a PR. Instead, with your considerable and persuasive support, I decided to run it to smell the roses, to celebrate how far I've come with running and to celebrate the history and traditions of this most prestigious of marathons.

However. I may have told you before that it takes me a while to "get" things. I had to try 5 or 6 times to give up smoking before it stuck. I was on diets for 10 years before I actually lost the weight I was trying to lose. I tried to incorporate exercise into my life for about 15 years before I actually stayed off the couch of doom. I am very goal-focused but often ignore the glaringly obvious in my blind-sided quest for whatever it is I'm going for. And focus is great - you need it to achieve. But I do tend to overlook things while I'm focused. OK, where am I going with this? Well, this surrender to the universe bit obviously hadn't really been pounded into my brain as it should have done. So I had to learn it again, and take note this time.

By now you will all know that most flights from the UK and Northern Europe have been grounded since Thursday lunchtime. So far they are grounded until tonight but the status is constantly changing. I was booked onto a Friday morning flight to Boston (16th August). When this was canceled, I was rebooked for Saturday. This flight was also canceled and the first available option for me to fly out now was Monday. To arrive after the marathon. So I am not going to Boston.

I can't begin to tell you everything that has gone through my head in the past 36 hours. Disbelief. A volcano? Affecting us in England? For days and days? All planes grounded? No means of getting to the continent? Anger. I have worked my buns off for this. I have run in the snow, in the dark, in the rain, in the wind (don't talk to me about the wind. There is now, apparently, no wind. I have never had such a windy training cycle. Don't talk to me about the wind). Grief. Yes, well, I have cried. I wanted this so badly. Enormous disappointment. I can't tell you how much I was looking forward to it all. To running this race of races. To celebrating with Emily and Jill and Meg afterwards. To meeting Greg and to walking the freedom trail and mooching around Boston, to meeting Jeanne (who traveled up from Washington DC for this) and going to the ballgame on Sunday and watching nothing but talking, talking, talking about our lives and our dreams and all that good stuff. It has not been an easy year for me or my family - while we, thankfully, have our health and our jobs, we have faced some pretty major business, financial and personal challenges. Countless times I have headed out the door on a stressful morning and thought "at least I have Boston". Boston was to have been the icing on the cake of years of running and fighting my self-doubts, of the past year of major challenge.

But, amazingly, I also feel some resignation. Had my flights been canceled due to terrorism (I was last in Boston in September 2001 and was stuck there then when all flights were canceled) or strikes (I purposefully avoided booking BA flights) I would have had someone to be angry with. But this? A volcano? Talk about the universe setting me straight on who's really in charge. What can I do? The planes are grounded. The trains and ferries off of this island are full. The airports in Europe, assuming I could even get there, are closed.

Oh and somewhere in there, there is also gratitude. Talk about learning who your friends are. My BFF Dawn took me under her wing as soon as it became clear that I was going to be stranded in London for some time. There was coffee and sympathy and understanding. This woman has a knack of always being there when I need her. It's uncanny but I'll take it - a friend like Dawn comes along very rarely. And you people. Sheesh. If anything can make me cry it's you lot. From all the FB updates and text messages and posts asking for wind, for blowing, for good vibes. From all of your incredibly sympathetic text messages and comments while I was waiting. From all of your enormous and sincere sympathy when I realised, late yesterday afternoon, that I was not going to be running Boston this year. From a post dedicated to me. Even from the BAA, who seem likely to be offering those of us who are missing Monday a deferral for 2012. I really feel I don't deserve all this warmth and feeling - it's just a race, right? - but I have soaked it up and it has helped.

I am just sitting here, right now, back in my own house, feeling weird. I'm not sure what I feel. Pretty sad, mostly. Woke up at 5 this morning with that awful feeling where you know something's happened but you can't remember what and then 5 seconds later it comes to you. Oh yes. That. I can't say I am constantly as sanguine as I might sound. Because I'm not. But I will get over it. I know that too.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Some have suggested my running a marathon in the next few weeks. I might. I need to find out whether what I have in my legs is a marathon, or Boston. And the only way I'll know that is by going out for a run. So today or tomorrow I will be doing just that. Maybe I'll get a better handle on where I am mentally.

And then, on Monday, I will be following the progress of all of those I was hoping to run with - run it and enjoy it, peeps! Warm the course up for 2011!

I'M RUNNING BOSTON!

You guys! Are amazing! Just go back now and see ALL the comments you left on my blog last week. I asked for a slap round the head and none of you really did it but instead you completely brought me round. Changing your attitude can be very hard - I find - but change it you did. I did everything you told me to do - I rested up, I enjoyed my time with the family in Holland, I did a little bit of running. Instead of worrying away at the problem of what to do in Boston you all gave me permission not to think about it for a little bit and I started to get very very excited about what lies ahead.

As some of you said, going into Boston with a little bit of an injury (time off has done my knee good, what can I say?) takes the pressure off enormously. I'm going in this to run this and enjoy this, not to PR. The last 2 marathons I've run - London and Berlin - I really really pushed myself and while I am thrilled I did it, I did not experience much of the marathon itself. I was just fighting. I never knew I could fight like I did and that's a great thing to know about myself - that fight made Boston possible. But Boston is no fight. Boston is the reward. So that is what I'm going to do. I have often been a really happy racer - smiling for the race photos - but in London I ended the race with black lips and severe cramps and in Berlin I was in the medical tent for some minutes and ended up running under a foil blanket despite the heat - so I want to get the happy racer back. I'm even contemplating running watch-less - my only worry about this is that I will end up going out too fast. Without a watch I won't slow myself down enough at the beginning, I fear. Thoughts?

Finally, finally, finally. I do know my post was really self-indulgent. Thank you for bearing with me. And for pointing out that there was more to it than purely aiming for a PR. As if to underline that point, I just read Lizzie Lee's most recent post. Read it, and make sure you click through the link that she puts in there. OK - the humble pie has gone down..

So let's end this as I started this - THANK YOU! I don't know what I've done to deserve friends like you lot but I've got you and I thank you. (BFF Dawnie emailed me from her holiday after reading all the comments - she lurks! - to check that she was still my BFF. ).


Me after my last 10 miler last Saturday in Holland - and yes that is sweat on my lens. Happy happy happy!

surrender to the universe

Someone bought me a t-shirt once that said "surrender to the universe". It's something I'm not very good at - while I don't tend to think of myself as a typical type A (too many sloppy habits, I think) in truth I am quite controlling. I find it hard not to push for things to happen in a certain way, and much easier to drive myself to doing something than to sit back and let things happen for themselves. However, I am (very slowly) learning that most of the best things happen for me, and to me, when I'm not hell-bent and head-down pushing for a particular goal, but when I force myself to take my hands off the tiller and let myself see where I float. The problem, I think, with being too driven, is that I lose sight of whether what I'm driving myself towards is a good thing to be striving for in the first place. I lose touch with intuition and instinct when I'm too focused on a certain outcome.

Well, it's one thing to realise this - and that has taken me long enough, and I can't say it's truly sunken in - but quite another to live life according to these rules.

As I've said before, running is not something I grew up doing, or thinking I could do. I was and am pretty incompetent at most sports and grew up concentrating on my intellectual achievements rather than expecting anything of myself physically. My occasional attempts at getting fit in my twenties felt doomed before they even started - aerobics classes and sudden sprints around a park only seemed to prove that I was uncoordinated and incompetent. And unfit. It wasn't really until I found myself completely adrift from the goals I had set myself in other parts of my life (married, not working, mother of two small children, pretty broke rather than single, succesful career woman who put off having a family until she had everything materially and professionally in order) that I came to running. By that stage I had nothing left to prove, or lose (apart from, oh, 30kgs hanging around my belly, boobs and behind) and, thanks to John Bingham, I realised I could run slowly. Slowly, over time I improved and moved from the back of the pack to the midpack. Early last year, inspired by Jen who had told me that I could do it, I resolved to take my training to a new level and to do the Pfitzinger program. It worked for me in that I became much faster, much stronger and managed, in two marathons, to take well over a minute per mile over my previous PB and to Boston qualify. Completely beyond my wildest dreams, this.

And as you know, since December I have been training hard to get to Boston as strong and as fit as I can. I have had my ups and downs, my on weeks and my off weeks, but on the whole, things have gone okay. Until about 2 weeks ago, that is, when I developed runner's knee in my right knee, where I'd never had it before. I took time off, iced it, treated it, babied it and thought I was back to form last week. You read my post - I was back to happy times. However, after yesterday, my last long run of the season, it flared right back up again. I know what to do - I need to take more days off, and take it very easy now until the marathon. If I miss the last workouts of my taper, so be it.

As you can imagine, I am so disappointed. I had hoped that my knee was a temporary blip, and though I don't think it's anything deeply serious, it is clearly not in great shape and if I want to get to the marathon start at all, I need to give it a chance to heal up and for the inflammation to go down. And more so, of course, I am disappointed because I feel that I'm unlikely to put in a strong performance on marathon day. I want to rail against the fates and shout that it's not fair - this was meant to be my moment and I wanted to arrive at the starting line in tip-top form - not recovering from injury. Last night (at 3am, when else?) I compulsively went over my running stats from training for London and Berlin and I can see that I was a lot faster before those races, even before I got injured this time. I'm not sure what went wrong - maybe 18 weeks is too long to train for me. Maybe I'm just overtrained. Maybe I peaked too soon. Whatever.

But I'm back to where I started, aren't I? I can't control it all. Even if I were to arrive on marathon day in tip top shape and faster than ever before, bad weather or bad karma or whatever else could throw me off what I set out to do. Amazing how I've gotten so greedy so fast - to go from not running to being annoyed at not setting a PR at Boston...

So what is the point of today's blog? Well, I guess I'm trying to give myself a talking to. I'm sure you all agree I need it. I need to know - to understand - that it is how it is. I have done what I could to get ready for Boston. Whatever happens on raceday, happens. The only thing I can choose, I guess, is to really really enjoy it all - regardless of my time. Hard to let go of race time and pace, but once again, maybe the things I find so hard to do are the things I should be doing most of all.

So come and meet me in Boston, all of you who can, and let's have a great time. And if you think I need it, you can give me a quick slap around the head as well. Tell me to grow up, and enjoy. All I can change is my attitude right?

Back on top.

Will you believe that I've been offline for over 2 weeks? Eerie that it co-incided with my knee injury - it was very weird to be off running AND off the internet. I couldn't endlessly google knee injuries, couldn't endlessly lurk on your blogs or FB and I couldn't go off running either. The washing and ironing got done, a room that needed clearing out got cleared out - amazing what happens when you can't run or surf the internet.

Touch wood, I think that injury was just a warning shot across the bow. As in - this is not so bad, but you have to LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! Last year it was about 6 weeks before the Berlin marathon(I think), this year 4 weeks before Boston , but still. Perhaps I should be just a little more careful with myself when I'm tired and my muscles are tight. A day of rest might just have avoided this. Just sayin..

I followed my osteopath and all-round running Guru's advice to not run over the weekend after I hurt my knee - thereby missing most of a week's training. Besides getting to jobs that needed doing, I iced my knee, took glucosamine and massaged my knee with Ibuprofen gel.

10 days ago I went back to Jonathon who told me the swelling had gone down some. I did 4 easy miles the day before to test things and although I was not pain-free I did manage to carry on and through. Jon then revised my schedule for the week, reducing my speed session to a 6 miler session with 4x1200m repeats, my 11 miler to an 8 miler and my 20 miler to a 17 miler. The speed session went so-so - I aimed to get between 7:10 and 7:30 min/mile in those intervals but only managed on two out of the 4 intervals. My 8 miler was okayish - not painfree but okay. I took Friday off and met Sally on Saturday morning at 7am to do 17 miles. This, unbelievably for both of us, is the first time we've run together since we each lost our wheels in the course of the Berlin marathon. She's been injured (calf, shin and knee issues) and to see her hobble while she warmed up I couldn't believe she was doing this. We are both back to wearing our orthotics (I think we're both a bit superstitious about them - they're our blankies when we're sore) and in addition I put on a ChoPat knee strap I bought last time I was injured. And I don't know whether it was the orthotics, the knee strap, the much slower than usual pace for both of us (9:40 min/mile) or just the cracking conversations we always have but we did it. And it didn't hurt me!.

It's amazing. 2 weeks ago I was obsessing that I was slow and listless. I could feel that, for whatever reasons, I was not in the top form, mentally and physically, I was in last year for London. Having had a week off training and having faced, in my darker 3am moments, the prospect of not making it around the Boston course, I have turned a corner. Right now I feel that I might just be able to make it round the course. And that's just great. I am meeting so many of you out there - Greg, Jeanne, Emily and Meg and hopefully many more of you! - and I am so looking forward to being in Boston during such an exciting week and running in such a historic race and, generally, THAT I, PETRA, AM RUNNING BOSTON WILL YOU BELIEVE IT? that I think I can cope with the fact that my time will not be amazing. I know that many of you will be watching it online - I promise to beam and wave at every camera I see. I guess I'm truly not going to win this thing, but I'm okay with that.

To top things off, things have been going a lot better this week training wise and - as you can see by this blog - I am back online. I am smiling again - see?

I'll give you something to cry, whinge and moan about!

But first of all, thank you all for your comments and emails last week. Once again I threw my complaints out there and once again you all responded - amazingly and kindly and most importantly - very helpfully. I took pretty much all of your advice. And guess what? You were all pretty much right..

- I am tired. I feel like I've done so much training and, barring a few weeks of 40M training, I have done a lot of 50M + weeks. I keep comparing myself to those amongst you who seem to be able to do these without tiring but that, truly, is a bit of a useless exercise - I guess the point is that it does tire me...

- I am, also, possibly, slightly overtrained at this point. I was considering doing my 3rd of 4 20 milers for this training cycle this coming weekend and I'm actually at the stage where I consider an 18 miler not too far. I have never reached that psychological point and while I would say I don't necessarily find them easy (that was kind of the point of my complaining right?) I don't fear them.

- I don't eat enough protein. I really don't. And as soon as I thought about it and you all emailed this in I realised I needed to work on it. Days after changing my diet - breakfast is toast, peanut butter and a freshly-laid egg (thanks chickens!) and I make sure that lunch and dinner are not as carb heavy as they were before and include some protein - I am feeling better.

- mental fatigue. Yes I am also mentally tired. All in all, in the course of a traiing cycle, you spend a lot of time on the road, on your own, training. It does take a lot of self-discipline. In honesty, it probably takes most of the self-discipline I have. And sometimes that is wearing.

So. What did I do after I posted my post? Well, I went and did the 18 miler that I failed on the first time round. I managed 14M at not quite race pace (8:35 min/mile) but was happy with that, given the circumstances. I completed another 50 mile week.

However. Hrmm. What is always lurking in a runner's life, when you're down and out and tired and a bit overtrained? That's right. Injury. Something to really cry about.

I took Monday and Tuesday off - very busy - and went out for a slow 11M on Wednesday. This went fine, I was tired, but it was fine. My right knee was slightly sore but nothing to stop me running or have me worry. However, I set off Thursday morning for my 8 miler with 5x600 at 5K pace and - no go. I could feel my knee was really sore within the first mile and decided to just call it a day. I came home, iced my knee and phoned my osteopath. Who I've just been and seen.

He had a good old feel around (glad that my periformis is fine this time ;)) and says that most important things are fine but there is some swelling. Most likely the result of driving 370 miles (and a lot of this on scenic English country roads, windy and slow) on Tuesday with tight muscles. Man! What a pain! However, he is hopeful and I am listening to his advice. Which is to take the next few days off (so not running the hilly Ashby 20 miler this weekend) and then doing an easy 5 on Monday before coming in to see him again on Tuesday.

I am, of course, pissed off / annoyed / angry and upset. But, overall, I'm fairly philosophical. As always, when something actually happens you just have to deal with it. Having had similar injuries in the past (4 weeks before Berlin) I am hopeful that resting up and backing off now will mean that I can toe the starting line in Hopkinton 4 weeks on Monday. I guess it's unlikely I'll BQ at Boston (haha don't worry - I wasn't actually aiming for that) but if I can get round okay and experience it all I will be really truly happy. And in a funny way, I knew that those of you who recommended a rest were right. I needed it. Not in the way it has come about, but still. So, so far, I'm good.

Finally - going off-topic here - we have been online for a few hours in the past week. Our broadband connection is just broken - boring and really annoying. I've written this post on Ecto and am uploading it in Starbucks. So I won't be commenting on blogs etc. much until we get back online.. Apologies now if it seems all I'm doing is asking for comments and not giving any out - I will catch up!

In the meantime, I hope all of you are doing well, turning corners, working hard - all that good stuff. Thank you again for that outpouring of good advice - don't you all feel better knowing how right you are? You truly are wonderful. Go run and reflect on that!

Not feelin' the love.

I am not feelin' the love at the moment. Yours, yes! Oh yes! But the running love. That's not coming my way right now. I am just exhausted. My non-running buddies look at me and tell me it's because I'm running too much. But I think that's unlikely to be it - I have, after all, trained at this intensity twice before and the first time I was holding down a demanding job as well as doing it - and I had far more energy than I do at the moment.

I am finding my runs hard. I got my 53 miles in last week but not with great grace, style or speed. My long run - 17 miles in windless sunshine - was run at a slower pace than my crazy 20 miler in torrential rain the week before. My speedsession was okay-ish. Sunday I set out for 13 miles with 8 at HM pace. I managed 5 at an 8 min/mile pace before I called it a day and slowed down and settled for 11M in total. Just wiped. Now - in all honesty - I have to tell you that I went to a friend's birthday party on Friday night and drank too much white wine and stayed up too late. Saturday's dismal 5 miler was therefore to be expected. But I must be getting old if it's still affecting me on Sunday? I didn't drink that much.

And this week it feels like concrete has been poured into my legs. 8M at 5:30 am on Tuesday morning? Slow. 12M yesterday? Slow.

And today? Today has so not been my day. I had all my long run kit laid out for me this morning but realised after I dropped my son off at school that I had forgotten my gloves. It's around freezing, so that wasn't going to work. Running a post-office errand I then went off and bought some gloves from a charity shop across the street. Good, cheap but a tad snug. Then on my way back to my car I dropped 50 dollars I had just exhanged - had a good samaritan not pointed this out they would have been lost. I then got to my car just as the woman parked in front of me backed into it. She damaged my number plate and front grille. She was very apologetic and I was feelings so defeated by this stage that I didn't have the energy to argue. Took her name and number and now need to get this fixed. Then realised I had lost my car keys. Back to post office where I had left them. Finally finally finally got to my running place. This morning I was meant to go out for 18M with 14M at race pace. I got to about mile 3.5 when my phone rang with an urgent domestic message which meant I had to turn around and cut my run short - and I have to say I was relieved. Although I had been doing 8:25 min/miles until that point I was beginning to doubt I could keep it up - I was just feeling whacked and exhausted and a bit dizzy. So I made it 6.5 miles and will try again tomorrow.

So what's going on? I am sleeping enough - 8 hours a night. Taking my iron pills. Not running more than I have done before. Eating well - I think. Lots of fruit, vegetables, wholegrains, carbohydrates. Not much wine or junk. I wonder whether I am not getting enough protein though. Any views on this? Maybe I need to have some of those disgusting shakes sometimes. Ideas? Suggestions? I am in the process of trying to get a doctor's appointment - I don't suspect anything is seriously wrong at all but I am somehow not on top of things right now. Which is a bit demoralising with only 5 1/2 weeks to go until Boston.

Otherwise, things are fine though. All the above may also just be mental fatigue from training for so long - I feel I have been at this a long time. I am conscious of the things I am not getting around to doing because I am training. Hrmm.

And another ray of sunshine has just been delivered, courtesy of the lovely Melisa - 4 gigantic bags of dark chocolate M&Ms. This may just be the food of champions. We shall see... Hope everyone else's running is going okay - keep at it and I will do the same.

February? Done.

I can't quite believe we're racing into March - February just flew by! Because of my stepback weeks (x2) my mileage for the month was not off the charts - 136M - but the monster month is upon me so I think I'll be glad for any rest my legs have had.

Quick summary. The flu went by Tuesday and Wednesday last week I headed out for my first run (7M with 8x100m strides). This went fine but Thursday's 11 miler with 7M at 15K / hm pace did not go so well. I felt like I was losing my lungs and my cold had definitely not left my chest. I managed the pace (7:52 min/mile average) but not without two stops. It felt like a fail, though I knew it wasn't. Now I know most of you are pretty similar - we tell ourselves it's okay to miss the occasional workout but secretly we beat ourselves up over it. Am I right or is it just me? So I was feeling very slack because, although I had not done too badly in the weeks before being ill, I also hadn't quite done everything Pfitz had prescribed. And being a drama queen, if I miss too many workouts I turn it into a personality issue - i.e missing the workouts or not doing them right shows that I am the loser / incompetent / fat slug etc. which I secretly know I am. I know I know. It's really ridiculous. So. I was determined that, despite having missed 2 days of the week due to training, I was going to get at least 50M of the prescribed 55 in this week and that I was going to kick ass on my 20 miler.

Friday dawned and it was pouring with rain. Cold rain. And it was windy. But I was going to kick ass, remember? So after dropping my son off at school I parked in my little spot and set out on the 9 mile loop I was going to extend and do twice. My mile 3 I was soaked to the bone. I was wearing my parka, not my running jacket, but even this proved incapable of protecting me from the horizontal rain which occasionally, for the fun of it, turned to sleet. On I trudged, listening to podcasts and music. There were very few motorists out on the road as it was such awful weather and the ones who were out looked disbelievingly at me as they splashed me driving past. At mile 11.5 I stopped at the car to refill my water bottles (yes, amazingly, I was still thirsty) and peeling off my soaking gloves to do this and then putting them back on took such a mental push. At mile 15 I was overtaken and splashed by someone I know - I recognised him but he, thankfully, did not recognise me. I did not look human anymore by this stage. My hands were freezing and my feet were numb, I tripped over them twice in the last mile, but I brought the run in. 20 miles in 2:59 in probably the worst conditions I have ever done a long run in. Garmin autopaused for potty-breaks but that was it. I can't tell you how happy I was to get it done. Having wondered whether I was perhaps a loser / incompetent / fat slug I now felt like a rock star / superstar / elite athlete. You can see that moderation is not my strong suit.

me at mile 3 - you can see the wind blowing my hood up but i'm still smiling. haha! 3 miles into a 20miler you have NO idea!

The rest of the weekend went by very quickly with various family commitments - I managed 12 miles over the next 2 days but without any style or speed - the 20 miler had knackered me out.

So - 7 weeks to go yesterday! I don't know how I feel about the race yet, really. I don't think I am faster than I was in training for London, but I am better at getting the paces and I think I am stronger. I can last longer, I think. I've got another race coming up in 3 weeks, the Ashby 20 miler, which I ran last year with my friend Michael and we will be doing it together again. It's a very hilly race, so once again I can practise my race strategy of going out slightly slower and speeding up as I go along. Let's see if it works!

Otherwise, it's another high mileage week for me. I started off with a 29 mile bikeride yesterday. My new bikeseat has not arrived yet and my padded cycling shorts do not provide enough insulation. I am in pain. I am meant to be doing an 8-15K tune up race this weekend according to Pfitz, but that's not going to happen this weekend. Too much going on my friend! I shall just head out and run my own 10K race and see how I go. Bearing in mind I hate 10Ks.

Hope everyone's running and life is going well - things here are still pretty up and down and I am really working hard at trying to let things go and not getting too hurt and upset. Without my running there wouldn't be a hope of getting through the weeks without meltdowns. But I have my running, (and some pretty incredible friends) so all is dealable with.Happy trails everyone!

Sick!

In this ghastly photo of me - never let it be said I'm not honest with you all - you can just see what I should have known was a harbinger of doom. See that large spot above my eyebrow? It's not a fleck on your screen, it's a boil on my forehead. I get few spots ever but when they come, oh boy. They're bad. I could feel this stinker brewing on Friday morning and was wondering why it was there and what it had come to tell me. At about 10pm last night I found out, as I sat shivering on the sofa (we had guests) and could just feel flu descend like a blanket over my head. By this morning I realised I had it. Flu. I performed the bare minimum of my maternal tasks - made pancakes, cleaned up, put on laundry, ironed, lost my temper with 2 fighting children - before retreating to my bed where I have been tucked up ever since. No 10 miler with speedwork. And much more sadly - no Mika concert tonight. But sometimes you just know there is no way. And this is one of those occasions. I am not going anywhere.

So.. training! Well - I am not too worried. I have actually lost track of how many weeks I have been training and I have just used my last silver bullet week over my children's half-term holiday (damn!) but given the length of my training program (20 weeks) I think I can afford to skip a few days and jump back in when I feel better again.

After last Sunday's exertions I took Monday and Tuesday off from running, and did a very slow 5 miler on Wednesday morning round Highbury Fields in London where I was, by now, staying with my bestie, Dawn. Thursday morning I got up nice and early and ran a glorious 10 miler, running down to the Smithfield meat market and then along the Embankment and across Westminster bridge, and back across the Wobbly bridge and through the West End. Friday was another washout - spent all day in the car, taking the kids first to the Roald Dahl museum and then back home through roadworks and rush hour traffic. So yesterday morning I woke up determined to set things straight. The schedule called for a 14M long run this weekend, but as I had missed an 8 miler, I decided to turn my run into an 18 miler. Hardcore no? It went okay - AutoPause was on so I didn't record the time stretching between miles and the various pitstops I made -but all in all I still managed an sub 9 minute mile for the run. I was intending to do an 8 miler with speedwork this morning but well .. that didn't happen. So it goes.

I hope this post finds you all better than I am. Happy running!

It's Valentime!

That's what my 7 year old calls it. Poor child doesn't know about Hammertime yet. It'll be years before he appreciates the 80s.

And Valentime is racetime! Last year I ran the Stamford St. Valentine's 30K for the first time and so I'll refer you there for info on the location. This year there was no snow (good), but plenty of drizzle and rain and a nasty northeaster. Plus the hills just don't get any easier. Although the course is shorter it's good Boston preparation - mostly downhill for the first 4M, then hills and then uphills at the end. My aim for the race was to run a smart race - not go out like a bat out of hell but start slow and speed up as I go. And in that aim I was very successful. Running Oprah (I love to chat while racing long distance) met a couple 9 minute miling for the first 10K. Then at the 10K marker some wag pointed out there were only 20 more kms to go and I got chatting to him. His pace was slightly faster, around 8:55 min/mile, and we ran the next 10k together. He let me surge ahead at 20K and I did. I was feeling strong, even on the hills and was overtaking people slowly as I went along. The last .6 mile I finally went like a bat out of hell and overtook everyone in my way (including a woman who I had seen in the distance for the entire 30K). She and I duked it out the last 20 metres or so, and people? I was victorious! I made it across the finish in 2:44: 51 - nearly 4 minutes faster than last year and 1 second ahead of my nemesis.

Overall a decent race. It is hard and hilly but I enjoyed myself and I enjoyed managing my pace along the way. Running the last mile a marshall said he'd never seen anyone smile at 29K. Now I'm in bed and contemplating the week ahead. I think this will be one of my silver bullet weeks - I'm going to repeat the last week's training during this week which is a holiday week for my kids. 43 miles so nothing too serious. And only 14 this weekend! I'm positively giddy.

Overall I'm feeling okay. The past 2 months have been tough on the personal front - the kids and husband are fine but there has been some difficult and challenging stuff going on my life. It has left me feeling pretty low mentally and truly my running, however difficult it is at times, has been the thing that's made me feel I'm okay and worthwhile. Put it this way - I am looking forward to running Boston - it's a goal that I really need right now.

I hope all your running - and life - is going well. Keep me posted!

A celebratory glass after today's race - onwards and upwards!

Consider yourself

Blessed. Because I have saved you from the most boring blogpost ever. I had written it up and was getting ready to post it when I reread it and recoiled in boredom. There was just no need for it. The world is a better, richer place without it.

So here's a reworked version. Sure, I'll put some of the old content in. But I've hacked and cut and scissored out the really dull stuff. I'll summarise the first 2 paragraphs:

• the meditation bit? Living in the moment? Not started that yet. Still living in past and future. Not too much mindfulness. A lot of mindlessness. Or just general anxiety and frustration.
• I've been running a lot. A great lot.
• some of my runs have been great. Some of my runs have been crappy. Some have just been okay.

Then there was a bit that was really unbelievably tedious. It was about me being tired. I have to say it is true - I am tired. Very tired. A lot of the time.
See? Ignore the daggy haircut (it seems that impulsive hair decisions take a looooooong time to fix themselves - let me be your warning) and the sort of general scaliness and paleness. It's February, peeps. It's not my time of year. But I am tired. Good lord. This is either

• because I run so much. My non-running friends thinks this is the case. But I have run a lot before and I wasn't this tired.
• because I have anaemia again. Or still. I had it last year, took iron pills, was much better. Then I ran out of iron pills and never got round to getting more and hey, here we are. Overall exhaustion. So I have bought more iron pills, have improved my diet (I am full to busting with leafy greens and whole grains you will be happy to hear) and am getting more sleep.

Overall - both my old discarded post and my new acceptable post tell you that everything is kind of ticking along. No major breakthroughs but no disasters either. Oh. Apart from the crosstraining. I have been biking with a friend who is training for a really long bike ride. That has been good - we don't go too fast so I think it is helpful without, god forbid, wearing me out even more. But we did our first longish bikeride together 10 days ago - 25 miles - and while it was good in many ways I realise that my bike and I need a few crucial upgrades. Let Oprah tell you about it:

So, in short, I need a new bike seat and some cycle shorts. Any recommendations? I want a really comfortable seat, to avoid any repeat of the pain of that bike ride.

And in the most positive news yet, I've booked my trip to Boston. I am going alone - the marathon falls on the day my kids go back to school after 3 weeks of Easter holidays and the school get really narky about missed days at the beginning of term. Husband is being left in charge of all the boring actually-getting-them-back-to-school-with-all-the-stuff-they-need job. I am flying out on Friday April 16th (arriving in the afternoon) and leaving on April 20th (evening). If this sounds like me inviting any of you to breakfast, lunch, dinner, post-run partying - well yes I am! Email me, FaceBook me, comment me. Don't twitter me because I never check. Sorry!

Hope all your running (and rest of life) is going well - I'm gearing up for my first big race, the Stamford St. Valentine's 30K on Sunday. Last year Isaac Stout was born on race day - thoughts of Susan in labor kept self-pity at bay during this nasty race. I will try to channel that spirit again on Sunday - report will follow. Till soon my chums.

Yadda yadda yadda

So I could sit down this Monday evening and give you all a blow-by-blow of everything that's happened in the past few weeks. However - the thought of doing that bores me rigid and I think that means it an even more tortuous prospect for you all. So I'll sum things up for you in a few bullet points. I could do a powerpoint presentation - but again, I'm saving you all.

• Our skiing holiday was FABULOUS. Fabulous. Fabulous. The hotel is incredibly amazing. The staff warm your boots up for you in the morning, there is a ski valet, they take your boots off when you come back in the afternoon, there are hot tubs and morning yoga classes and oh everything is amazing. Nothing is cheap - though occasionally things are free, like yoga - but oh boy is it nice.
  
• Skiing is FABULOUS. This was my fifth ever skiing holiday (yes, I know, I grew up deprived. No, silly. I grew up in the tropics). And my running is making me a good strong skier. I love it. I absolutely love it. I took lessons for 2 days and just cranked it up a notch - I could have stayed all season. In fact, I am brewing a plan to move to Jackson Hole for a season when my kids leave home - rent a little condo and just ski all winter. I am entirely serious about this plan, actually. Anyone care to join me in dreaming about becoming a skibum?
  
• My husband is fabulous. He just is. Taking some time away from everyone else made me just re-appreciate (is that a word?) how fabulous he is. He is just a great, wonderful, kind, funny, intelligent, loving, lovely, handsome and fabulous man.The fabulous man skiing Grand Targhee (we took a day trip to Wydaho..)
• I did what you're meant to do on a holiday but what I so rarely achieve. I relaxed and I sat back and I evaluated my life and worked out what was and wasn't working for me. Marriage and motherhood, you will be relieved to hear, are still working. But I've decided to make a change in one aspect of my life (hey it's still January and anyway I resolve year-round) I am a worrier. Not a warrior, a worrier. I fret. I agonise. I lie awake at night and go over things, over and over and over and over again and nothing good ever comes from these sessions. The small amount of insight I've gained over many years over worrying is that nothing is as bad as it seems at 4am. But that doesn't stop me at 4am. I want to do something about that. I've spent a good 25 years fretting. I'm bored with myself. So what am I going to do? Well, one evening while I was putting my feet up in the relaxation suite (told you it was fabulous) I was reading a magazine which recommended meditation as a way to let go of persistent thought patterns which you know are doing no good. And I have thought about meditating in the past - I even bought a CD course (Guided Mindfulness Meditation by Jon Kabat Zinn) last year but never got round to doing it. And so I decided that I was going to devote some time to this. I'll keep you posted.
  
• Another decision I made was that, for the time being, I am not doing triathlons. Wait, wait, wait! Before you jump in listen to why. Fundamentally, I am just loving running too much to want to divert my attentions elsewhere. I am enjoying my bike - I have found a buddy to go on Monday (cross training) bike rides with and I am really keen to make more of that - but I don't want to race my bike, or self, yet. And the same with swimming. I really like the swimming club, I want to go regularly but I don't want to race yet. After years of plodding I am getting somewhere with my running and I have a few more things to do there before I need a break from it..
  

So that's all good right? I'm feeling good. Old-time readers of this blog will remember that last time I came back from skiing and went running I injured my knee and was out of London and out of running for months. This time I kept up my running while on holiday, though I had given myself time off my schedule. And as soon as I came home I got straight back into it. The earlier runs were hard last week - jetlag was pretty brutal - but I managed a 50M week. 12 weeks before Boston people - that feels good. My 18 miler was particularly interesting - at mile 13 I lost the will to go on but I inadvertently started up a podrunner mix and it made a HUGE difference. Last 5 miles were the fastest miles in the run! I love me my podcasts on my long runs but it was really good to know to leave those mixes on the iPod - clearly they can move me when nothing else can.

Righty-oh everyone - it's off to bed I go. I am exhausted and heading into a 55 mile week this week - my first 20 miler of the schedule is somewhere in there. And finally - this one is for Jeanne who says nothing happened if there is no photo - this is me out on my bike ride this morning:
Forgive the fugly face there - it's Monday morning.

Finally finally finally - I am WAY behind on blog comments and emails. It's all going to happen, I promise. See you shortly!